Having an out

There are many ways to commit suicide. Like that's new or news. What people often miss but those who know or understand, is that there are different types of suicide. Some attempts are people wanting, and asking in their own way, for help. Some are definitive, meaning the person chose a method that's almost always certain. And some, among the other types, are those where the person has an out.

Some may say all suicides have an out, meaning the person can simply choose not to commit the act. How naive of them to think that. When most suicides get to the point of the act itself, thinking of an out isn't there. That's because thinking isn't there, only their sense of being. An out has to be part of the act or part of the person.

An out as part of the act is simply the way out. It's not always a safe out, and sometimes just the act of insufficiency of means or sometimes just a last second change of heart. An out as part of the person is where the act was planned to have an out. It doesn't mean the person didn't or doesn't intend to complete the act, something in their sense of being and life put it there.

This isn't the same as someone who in one instant in a state of depression tries to commit suicide and some who succeed by accident. It's part of the mental events they went through in deciding and planning the act. Every act has a last moment when it's a yes or no, but not really. It's nice to say by those who want to think so, but it's not true. The choice was already made.

You might also say that having an out doesn't make the suicide real. If someone put an out in the act, then they really weren't certain. That's also not true. Some just think that way and their instincts put it there without really seeing or knowing why. With some it's the way of asking for help. With others it's the way to affirm their choice or affirm their will, however diminished, to life.

Both are made, not to choose life, but simply give the person an out. Deep within their psyche a kernal exists that fights for life and it's put into the plan and act to be there, just in case something changes and the person sees something, like a distant candle in the darkness. It's always been there. You don't see it until you look in that direction. But it also takes the darkness to see it.

What's this leading to? Someone asked about my attempts, and thinking back, and even forward, I gave myself an out.