First I stopped going.
Then I stopped doing.
Then I stopped being.
Then I just stopped.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Some Days
All things considered, some days, I feel I could die and not really care. Not going out of my way, but simply not trying to stop it if it should happen. Some days, life isn't greater than death, not that I know what death is or is like but it's different than life and would feel better to be free of life as it is for me now. That's all and that's it.
But for now, there's always tomorrow.
But for now, there's always tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Something Changed
Something changed and I haven't sorted out what, let alone why, and more so, what's next. It's a big I don't know what happened and what will happen. Lots of questions and wonder and a big empty for clues, let alone answers or even hopeful ideas to guide me forward. I know I don't like what I was and I'm not sure I like what I am and especially what may be if I don't change, but then something changed differently than I expected, wanted or planned.
So now I'm facing something new. Well, not really new, something old anew. Kinda' deja vu all over again. It's one of the slow changes when you realize it's been happening for months. I noticed bits and pieces and noticed what isn't getting done. I just assumed it was something I would figure out, except I haven't and now face the reality of it.
Part of it is physical, and not just the normal stuff of getting older (now 62) but recent conditions, one which specialist don't want to spend the time to help diagnose (bleeding small intestine), one of late the dentist said there is no real cure and surgery rarely works (TMJ), and one which drugs are worse than the condition (high cholesterol with a small blockage in the pulmonary artery).
All of this on top of Raynaud's Syndrome in both my hands and feet. Ok, normal stuff of age to some degree, but three of them happened in the last year (the blockage is a 20 year issue where my cholesterol has never been normal). Add them up and life with this body sucks, and when piled on Dysthymia, it just sucks worse.
And with everything, part of me still feels good about it some days, but not many. Parts hopeful and part far less hopeful. Parts positive and many more parts negative. And a lot of parts unknown, let alone unknown either way or just something.
So now I'm facing something new. Well, not really new, something old anew. Kinda' deja vu all over again. It's one of the slow changes when you realize it's been happening for months. I noticed bits and pieces and noticed what isn't getting done. I just assumed it was something I would figure out, except I haven't and now face the reality of it.
Part of it is physical, and not just the normal stuff of getting older (now 62) but recent conditions, one which specialist don't want to spend the time to help diagnose (bleeding small intestine), one of late the dentist said there is no real cure and surgery rarely works (TMJ), and one which drugs are worse than the condition (high cholesterol with a small blockage in the pulmonary artery).
All of this on top of Raynaud's Syndrome in both my hands and feet. Ok, normal stuff of age to some degree, but three of them happened in the last year (the blockage is a 20 year issue where my cholesterol has never been normal). Add them up and life with this body sucks, and when piled on Dysthymia, it just sucks worse.
And with everything, part of me still feels good about it some days, but not many. Parts hopeful and part far less hopeful. Parts positive and many more parts negative. And a lot of parts unknown, let alone unknown either way or just something.
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