Something Different

Well, I haven't posted here in about 3 months. Not because the depression and thoughts haven't come and gone but I've been walking a lot, see blog about my life and recent walking. It's been because the more I walk the less I think of death and dying.

The thoughts and interest to live haven't fully grabbed me yet, the endorphins take a lot time and exercise before the rewards center of my brain reacts and doesn't really fully take hold to make me feel happy about myself and my life for more than moments.

That's what Dysthymia does, overwhelm your mind so everything else is always a fight, and walking has renewed that fight where I don't think about dying anymore. It's a long, slow process to walk away from depression and every day is a struggle.

And that's where walking is the antidote. For 8 miles 5-6 days a week I have to focus on walking along the rural roads where I live. Every day and every walk is different. The weather is always different for the whole 2-plus hours.

The body and especially the legs don't feel or work the same, and the sense and mind can just open itself to everything from feeling the earth under my shoes, the wind, the rain, the trees, and the scenery, everything before me.

And it takes the mind away from death and dying. Even the times in places I find almost complete silence where I stop for a short time and just take it all in, and even then I sometimes think that if I wasn't there, no one would know or care.

But it's just a feeling I find somewhat joyful as it's complete freedom. Freedom from death and dying. And then I walk on.