Some Days

All things considered, some days, I feel I could die and not really care. Not going out of my way, but simply not trying to stop it if it should happen. Some days, life isn't greater than death, not that I know what death is or is like but it's different than life and would feel better to be free of life as it is for me now. That's all and that's it.

But for now, there's always tomorrow.

Something Changed

Something changed and I haven't sorted out what, let alone why, and more so, what's next. It's a big I don't know what happened and what will happen. Lots of questions and wonder and a big empty for clues, let alone answers or even hopeful ideas to guide me forward. I know I don't like what I was and I'm not sure I like what I am and especially what may be if I don't change, but then something changed differently than I expected, wanted or planned.

So now I'm facing something new. Well, not really new, something old anew. Kinda' deja vu all over again. It's one of the slow changes when you realize it's been happening for months. I noticed bits and pieces and noticed what isn't getting done. I just assumed it was something I would figure out, except I haven't and now face the reality of it.

Part of it is physical, and not just the normal stuff of getting older (now 62) but recent conditions, one which specialist don't want to spend the time to help diagnose (bleeding small intestine), one of late the dentist said there is no real cure and surgery rarely works (TMJ), and one which drugs are worse than the condition (high cholesterol with a small blockage in the pulmonary artery).

All of this on top of Raynaud's Syndrome in both my hands and feet. Ok, normal stuff of age to some degree, but three of them happened in the last year (the blockage is a 20 year issue where my cholesterol has never been normal). Add them up and life with this body sucks, and when piled on Dysthymia, it just sucks worse.

And with everything, part of me still feels good about it some days, but not many. Parts hopeful and part far less hopeful. Parts positive and many more parts negative. And a lot of parts unknown, let alone unknown either way or just something.

Way Cool Video

I saw a really good video recently by a young woman in Texas. It's more than worth your time to watch and care.



Also available here if it has a message it won't play in this entry.

Thank you Kenna, and I wish you well.

When not is easier

There are moments, times and days when it's just not worth the mental and physical energy to do something, and even anything. When everything feels bad and doing nothing is feels only slightly better than even trying. When doing nothing is easier and doing anything. Anything else, no matter how simple or easy. Nothing is still better. And not invades you and then overwhelms you. And not is all you know and feel. And nothing is all you think to do.

Finding Bottom

The hardest thing in the middle of a depressive episode is finding and knowing where the bottom of your depression is. You keep spiraling down, falling into the darkness of the well, maybe hoping to hit water where you can tread while you sort out the issues to see what, where and maybe why you feel so bad, but often knowing you will fall until you hit bottom, a dry well where you can sit surrounded by darkness not knowing anything beyond what you see and feel in the darkness, the light above long distant and out of sight.

So you fall, mentally in free fall, usually doing little if anything and mostly doing nothing you can remember later in the day and more so the next morning lying in bed asking yourself what you did the day before. In the darkness of the early morning you lie there wondering why you don't want to get up, let alone engage the day to be someone you know you are and want to be, and even the simpliest work is too much.

So you lie there where everything doesn't feel good but just feels enough where everything else doesn't matter. At least you can feel safe in the darkness and silence, the only sound you hear is your own mind thinking out loud and your heart pounding against the feelings of one simple fact. You don't like yourself anymore.

At least not for the moment and the moments surrounding it. But that only happens when you hit bottom. And you're not there yet. You're still falling in the darkness, not knowing anything else but falling, and hoping bottom will come soon. And as the morning light peeks over the eastern horizon and the darkness fades, you're still there, in bed, wondering and falling.