Being pushed

Update.--I wrote this six weeks into the dosage and six weeks ago. Nothing much has changed, the wind is still there against my back, pushing me forward, and I still expend a lot of mental energy to stay sitted on the edge and not fall off and over into the abyss. But for now it's on a plateau where the wind hasn't increased and the energy lessed, only I've become adjusted to it and have adapted to the times I don't have to think about it.

It's the old adage, nothing changes and everything changes. And I'm still sitting on the edge with the wind against my back.

Orginal Post.--I wrote about livng on the edge of life. Well, I'm still there and still here. It doesn't go away and never will beyond just a slight improvement. I've always reckoned it to sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon. The giant abyss, easy to fall into and never worry again.

But I haven't, or at least stopped myself just this side of life. But that is also changing, not just with age but with my medication. I describe as if a wind is pushing from behind and it takes most my energy to stay seated on the edge and not pushed over the edge. The pressure against the back is just too much some days I just sit. Wasted and gone.

But it's also a choice. The medication is absolutely necessary for what I'm doing. And the dosage is adjustable. I can take less and feel better, but it won't work as well and as fast, and often even barely works at all. I can take more and risk the potential mental hazards with the physical changes, some not so good. I've tested varying dosages and found the limit.

And that's the conumdrum. More works for what I want but the push becomes more and the risk greater to falling off the edge. Less takes far longer, keeps me sane and normal, but doesn't work more than a minimum. And with the physician we adjust it accordingly.

I increase it and note the changes. At about two weeks the pressure begins, so I've always lowered it and within a week I'm back to normal. I do that 2-3 times a year, always with the same results. This time, I'm on six weeks because I wanted to see what happened past the two weeks. Now I know. And that doesn't change, and even slowly gets worse.

And it's the constant pressure pushing and the constant energy to stay seated and upright. It's not that I want to fall over the edge. I don't. I've found the best place to stay sane and still function as well as do what I want, except the one thing the medication helps. And that's the price and costs. And always the question.

So, I sit. Against the wind at my back and the abyss in front of me.