It Doesn't Get Better

After reading the news of the Rutger's student who committed suicide, I was insulted and outraged at all the blogs, videos, public service announcements, etc., essentially shit saying, "It Gets Better." Well, it doesn't and all the hype, and worse the words, are bullshit. It doesn't get better, it gets different. And now today I'm reading a number of video and on-line bloggers say as much too.

The truth is that if anyone had intervened to prevent or dissuade that student for his act at that moment, his reality doesn't change. Everything still happened, and everyone still knows. And he would still be here to see and hear it every moment of every day. That doesn't get better, or even different, it just stays there, like the unspoken truth.

When you decide not to commit suicide but decide to either put it off for awhile, remember the thought of it never goes away and the feelings of the moment to decide never leaves, and why so many try again and some keep trying, you still are faced with your own reality. That changes, not for the better, it just changes, and you get on with your life around the changes, carrying it with you every moment.

Those that argue it gets better don't get the point, let alone the idea about what better would be. They espouse a better person, mentally happier and wanting to live a better life. How insanely naive that is and they are to think it and then say it. They like to argue life, any life, is better than death, especially at your own hand. But how little and how naive they are to know let alone understand the person at that moment first to decide and then the moments before the act.

There is no better. There is only everything else which is different than death, but not really better. I won't argue in those moments the person experienced mental myopia as the darkness hides all the choices other than death and all the ways to be more than dead. But none of those will seem better, and being alive doesn't offer better choices let alone a better life.

Because the events which created the moment and space where suicide is front and center won't change. The past is done, and argue all you want you can change how you see, think and feel about those events, it doesn't change them. It doesn't make them better. They still just are.

What can change though is simply accepting the choices people made and the events that happen, and getting on with life, albeit as it is and will become. That's about all that is really possible, putting them in a mental shoebox and in the back of the memory closet. They won't go away and the box will spill out and open now and then to remind you of the words, the pictures and the events, and you will go back to the moments of your thoughts and feelings then.

And that doesn't get better. It just become what happened and what will happen. Don't paint a rosy picture when it's not there and show how ignorant and insensitive you are about people. Get and be real. And if you want to do anything, just be there for them and listen. Nothing else. It's their world, not yours or your view of things, that's matters. That's everything, and nothing else matters.

Love Inside, Still looking

I don't really know what this means beyond just what I originally thought, somewhere deep inside me is someone I've been looking to love. Not the person I hate I am. I haven't found that person, and I keep looking. In the end that's all we can do, try. And everything else is what happens in life.

Mind and Body

It's what people like to talk about, the mind-body connections. And while much is personal view, commercial hype or whatever cow pasture material the person is saying, some of it is true because it's the whole of ourself. We are thoroughly connected between our mind and body, and when one is the major controlling drive, the other just tags along trying to cope and get through life.

And obviously I'm no different. In my case, the body rules the mind. It's always been no matter how hard I try to think over, around or through some physical issue or condition. When the body isn't feeling good or feeling like crap, I don't think right or well, and if things get worse or last a long time, I begin to hate my body and myself. It's what's been happening for 8-plus months now.

And the rigors of the medical system isn't always about actually helping the patient but simply treating the symptoms, the conditions, and on occasion, the actual cause. This what some physicians write about with the stories about months of trying to heal a patients to often find it's a simple one with a simple cure. And all the while the patient feels like crap.

Well, mine isn't serious, just problematic enough to feel like crap most days with a few hours of some days feeling decent and maybe good. When basic functions go awry, the body has little else to do but react with pain and hurt and you react with anger and depression. You just want to get better and that won't happen.

And what worse is that you have to eat to stay alive, and especially healthy. Except when you find yourself wanting to eat but fearing food and eating. You know food is your enemy. Food everyone eats, and doesn't have one issue or problem except how good it tastes. But your body doesn't. Your mind loves the food, the tastes, the flavors, the textures, and everything else. And then the food attacks your body and your body attacks your mind.

And all the doctors can say after all the tests is, "Well, we can't find anything physically wrong." There is a myriad of other tests left open to try, but all they want to do is eliminate each one in succession, to be safe and cautious and slowly remove all the possible obvious causes. But nothing changes except the hate your body has for food. And the anger your mind has with your body.

And on it goes. Long after hope disappeared. Only the acceptance the mind-body is at war with itself.