Selfness

Self-esteem. Self-confidence. Self-empowerment. Everything selfness, but not self-centeredness or selfishness. Just self. It's also a matter of degrees. I strongly believe we're born with some measure of it, both positive and negative, and we learn from our experiences to affirm both sides. So it's a accumulation of the experiences with the innate sense of self that defines us.

It's the innate that's what we're given, and while we can change that through our experiences, we always seem to come back to it when we don't push ourselves. It's why and what's innate, where our mind likes to see and be. We can mentally and emotionally wander all around our selfness, but in the end, we'll always find our way home to what's innate and given, our sellfnes, our "unique individuality" (OED).

Which is what this essay is about. I wasn't handed a lot of self-esteem or self-confidence. And my experiences along with my genetic Dysthymia only reenforced the negative side of my innate view of myself. And during my childhood except for the few periods playing with my siblings, a year older sister who didn't want to play with me and a brother was six years old and long on gone in his own direction, I mostly played by myself.

I found I liked just being alone. I'm very comfortable there and more uncomfortable playing with others except in some circumstances, like baseball (Little League). Otherwise, I had my toys, or I created them from whatever I could find. I had a good imagination, something overlooked by parents who assume social play is the only positive learning, and I often made up long stories about people, places and events from what I had.

But when I got into junior and later my senior high school, it all became evident to me just how introspective and an alone type I was. It was who I was. I had long become someone who stuttered (started at age 5) and extremely shy, but really it was just that I liked being alone and was uncomfortable in social situations, which isn't good for high school as I was teased, for that and being short (like 5') and got into a few fights.

It was only after graduating and the failed year-plus time in college when I was in the Air Force that I slowly became comfortable with friends. It was the late 60's and we all had something in common about the times and being there to avoid the draft, the Army and Vietnam. And the drugs didn't hurt too.

Through all those years to where I am now, I'm still pretty much the same, just older and a lot more physically and mentally worn out or down. But the selfness is still there as much and as little as it was. I have more self-esteem and confidence, but only from experience which I gained over the years, but mostly though, it's hidden within myself and my aloneness.

While I don't stutter anymore (can control any moments) and I'm not shy, I still don't like social places or being in crowds except when I can focus on a small group of friends or what I'm doing, such as in cafes working on Web pages and other material. I like the atmosphere of the crowd, just not the initmacy of being with someone.

In the end I always go back to what's innate and given for me, my own selfness.