Why He Got it Wrong

I read today's column in the Tacoma News Tribune by Brian O'Neil about suicide, and while I agree with him on some issues about and involving suicide, he misses the mark on several points, at least from my perspective.

I won't argue suicide is a social stigma, both for the families who lost members to it and to those who survived attempts. If you suffer depression to the point where suicide is an option and a choice, then it's a burden to walk around with the weight of it and fear admit thinking or feeling about it.

Depression itself is not a stigma. The stigma is that you can't mention to anyone, even privately, that you suffer from it, or you'll often be ostracized by your family and friends, find they see you and act around you differently, and always fear they might catch it. Sorry, folks, it's not contagious.

And it's certainly a career ender if your boss finds out, if you still have a job. Mention it at work even in the slightest regard and you can kiss your career goodbye if you plan to get promotions because bosses always misinterpret it as the inability to function and especially manage or supervise. You learn silence.

That said, Mr. O'Neil's essay fails on several fundamental ideas about suicide. First, he states, "If we were to be honest, the act of self-destruction is repellant to us for two basic reasons: It is a violation of both our primal sense of self-preservation and the moral principles which mold our personal and religious views."

He's obviously never been close enough or depressed enough to ponder suicide, let alone consider it an option and a choice. And as such he has no right to judge others based on his opinion of it. He's not them, he's not me, and without the experience of being severely depressed to consider it or survived it, he's wrong to make that statement.

Second, and more important, he states, "In reality, suicide is a fatal symptom of a number of mental or emotional disorders." He's not a psychiatrist or psychologist to call suicide a disorder. Perfectly normal people, and even very intelligent people, commit suicide, and many other are just depressed and don't suffer mental or emotional disorders.

In short, he's calling it a stigma while calling to remove the stigma. Asking for humane treatment for people severly depressed to consider suicide, or attempt it, while labelling them with a mental disorder isn't helpful to the discussion. He's typical of those asking for compassion and understanding for those who suffer while hating them because they suffer.

We have become a society that likes to label anyone outside a narrow set of "normal" condition abnormal, or worse, someone with mental problems or disorders. And all he seems to be doing is giving sympathy than humanity, suggesting we need to help them, not because they just depressed but because they're mentally sick.

Depression is only a mental or emotional disorder if you buy the DSM-IV and buy into their philosophy about who's normal and who's abnormal. Depression is a normal human condition which happens to everyone in their life. No one is immune, only the degree and their ability to survive.

We can't keep expressing sympathy from a pulpit with one hand while condemning them as abnormal with the other hand. You give help with both hands without judgment, prejudice and, more so, sanctimony. Offering help while calling them abnormal or labelling them with a stigma isn't help.

This is why the "It Gets Better" campaign is stupid. It doesn't get better, it gets different. And it's not abnormal, it's not a stigma, or a mental or emtional disorder. It's just human beings being human.

And argue all you want, it's part of the human psyche at some moments in a life to be depressed enough to ponder suicide and make it an option, and yes, a choice. That's because simply talking someone out of it doesn't change their life, it only prolongs their state of mind and life.

And that's the problem, the state of their life. Solve that and the depression slowly fades, maybe, as we know for some it's persistent through periods of their life if not their entire life. But for most it will fade if their life improves first, not their state of mind.

Trying to change their mind doesn't change their life, the experiences, conditions and situations which initiated and is creating the depression. If they still have to live with those conditions or in those situations, rarely does help work for them. You don't treat the depression and their thoughts of suicide, you treat the person and their life.

And above all else, never judge them and never call them abnormal or wrong. The stigma is a person's prejudice and discrimination. Not the other person. And that's the point Mr. O'Neil misses, don't feign sympathy in the name of empathy. It's obvious and doesn't help, only adds to the pain and hurt.

It's not about saying, "I'm here to prevent you from committing suicide." It's about saying, "I'm here to understand and help your life." Then you can treat the person and their depression. Then they can slowly walk away from the thoughts and feelings of suicide. Make their life better, their state of mind will change, and yes, that will get better.

This is what is missed, depression isn't the disorder or the disease, it's the result of their experience, condition or situation, their life. That's what we need to treat. This is what Mr. O'Neil finally gets at the end, but still mistates it, "We need to do a better job understanding the causes, put more resources into treating the symptoms and find a way to keep people from deciding that suicide is an option."

It will always be an option and a choice at times. It's about the individual accepting it and just not choosing it. For some, they'll spend their life living with it, always there reminding them, always there to become a choice. Only they can decide not to choose it, we can't teach them, but we can help them if they know our help is help, without reservations or judgement.

If that's when Mr. O'Neil is talking about, then I agree with him, but I didn't see or read it in his words.

The Easiest Thing

The easiest thing is to hate yourself. To blame yourself for everything. For everything that has happened to you, everything you are and everything you did, even if it wasn't your fault or your doing. To believe it's you, no one else and nothing else, not even for a moment. It's you because you don't need anyone else, only yourself.

To shame yourself into thinking, knowing and believing you are the one who is the source of all your anger and hate about yourself, all the hate and anger with yourself, and all the hate and anger at yourself. No one else. Only you and just you. Shame is what you give yourself, blame is what you tell yourself, and hate is what you verbally abuse and beat yourself.

You don't need or want anyone else. You just want to shrink away and hide. To sit in the darkness not wanting, and even afraid, to turn on the light to know you are the only one there, the one you hate. The easiest thing in the world.