Friday, August 24, 2012
Change
I want to change what I can't change about myself and my body and I hate what I can change because what I can change doesn't change anything I want to change and what I want to change can't be changed. It's the reality we all live with, whether we like it or hate it. It's what we are and why we hate ourself.
Monday, August 6, 2012
I Want to Eat
I want to eat so bad it hurts. Because I know it would physically hurt so bad I'd be sick for several days. Which is why I want to eat. For the food. For the act of eating. And for the feeling of being full. But I can't. I have to snack during the day on a restricted diet because almost all foods hurt and any quantity above a diet portion hurts more. Which is why I'm hungry all the time.
I hurt mentally because I can't eat and I hurt physically when I do eat. I love seeing, smelling and tasting food. Well, most foods anyway. I don't like a lot of sour or bitter foods. I don't like a lot of strange food. I don't like a lot of spicy foods. Mostly just good basic foods and some types of cuisine.
But all of it is off limits anymore. And that hurts even more. Just the idea of the food hurts because I can't eat it. I love walking through delicatessens, bakeries, cafes with freshly made breakfast and lunch meals. I love sandwiches, hamburgers, potato chips, salads, and so on down the list of great summer foods. I love to barbecue and make roast chicken.
And while it all hurts if I eat it, I still want to eat it. But the hurt is there to always remind me why I want to eat but can't. The love of food and the reality of eating.
I hurt mentally because I can't eat and I hurt physically when I do eat. I love seeing, smelling and tasting food. Well, most foods anyway. I don't like a lot of sour or bitter foods. I don't like a lot of strange food. I don't like a lot of spicy foods. Mostly just good basic foods and some types of cuisine.
But all of it is off limits anymore. And that hurts even more. Just the idea of the food hurts because I can't eat it. I love walking through delicatessens, bakeries, cafes with freshly made breakfast and lunch meals. I love sandwiches, hamburgers, potato chips, salads, and so on down the list of great summer foods. I love to barbecue and make roast chicken.
And while it all hurts if I eat it, I still want to eat it. But the hurt is there to always remind me why I want to eat but can't. The love of food and the reality of eating.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Something I Can't Be
Something I can't be is an addict. To be an addict you must have the susceptibility to become one, and that's hardwired in your brain from your genetics or during the pregnancy. It has to do with the reward circuits in the brain which is stimulated by experiences, events, etc. and drugs.
During my Siactic nerve pain I discovered I don't respond to Percocet, which is oxycodone and acetaminophen. It barely dulled the pain and didn't do anything else. I've taken Vicodin before for dental surgery and ended up not taking it too because all it did was made me feel mentally fuzzy and sleepy.
I've never thought much about it until a recent article mentioned that some people don't feel happiness because the reward circuits in their brain don't seem to work or work properly. The article called it a dysfunction, which may be true in some cases where there is damage from some circumstance or event, but isn't necessarily true when it's normal to the individual.
I mean that some people, which may fit those with genetic Dysthymia, have this situation naturally which is normal to them. It's not a dysfunction unless compared to other people, but it's not abnormal to them. It partly explains why antidepressant drugs don't work very well or for very long with Dysthymic people.
The drug may not work and those that work have to keep stimulating the brain when it eventually doesn't respond without higher dosages and then quits responding altogether and a new drug has to be found and tried. It's why I've never taken drugs for my Dysthymia as my initial psychiatrist advised against them.
My psychiatrist then said drugs would be a lifelong affair chasing the one that works for a year or so, maybe two to three if I'm lucky, but always slowly increasing the dosage as the drug's effect fades when the brain doesn't respond, and then it's off it to find another one.
She said about half wouldn't work and the other half would for awhile, only to fade to search for another one, and then repeat this my whole life. That's changed a little since many of the drugs for Dysthymia then were lower dosage of stronger drugs for depression.
That was about the time they discovered for some Dysthymia isn't a temporary situation for some but a permanent condition which is now known to be hardwired in the brain. The reward circuit just doesn't work the same for some people. And while they've come up with drugs more suitable for this form of Dysthymia, but it's still the same cycle of drug to response.
And they all have significant side effects, some of which exacerbate the person's Dysthymia because the side effects worsen the situation or condition the person hates, such as their body (lethargy, weight gain, eating, etc.), mind (thoughts, feelings or emotions), or their circumstance (family, job, etc.).
It's also why all the pain-killing drugs with "good" side effects and all the recreational drugs don't work for me. I don't get the response and don't get the addiction to wanting the response. My brain simply doesn't respond because it can't respond, and therefore I can't become addicted.
And yes, in my younger days I tried a few drugs, and found marijuana fun but mostly because it made me hungry a lot, the munchy reaction. I quit it eventually because there was more things to do than sit around stoned with the munchies. I tried mescaline, which did work since it effects a different part of the brain.
There was a hallucinogenic effect, some wild ones at that with the 6-12 hour dosage, but again, nothing to become addicted to it. And no I wouldn't try any of them again. No reason and no interest, and only it reaffirms I couldn't be an addict if I tried, my brain won't let me.
My brain, which is my enemy many times and also my saving grace a few times too.
During my Siactic nerve pain I discovered I don't respond to Percocet, which is oxycodone and acetaminophen. It barely dulled the pain and didn't do anything else. I've taken Vicodin before for dental surgery and ended up not taking it too because all it did was made me feel mentally fuzzy and sleepy.
I've never thought much about it until a recent article mentioned that some people don't feel happiness because the reward circuits in their brain don't seem to work or work properly. The article called it a dysfunction, which may be true in some cases where there is damage from some circumstance or event, but isn't necessarily true when it's normal to the individual.
I mean that some people, which may fit those with genetic Dysthymia, have this situation naturally which is normal to them. It's not a dysfunction unless compared to other people, but it's not abnormal to them. It partly explains why antidepressant drugs don't work very well or for very long with Dysthymic people.
The drug may not work and those that work have to keep stimulating the brain when it eventually doesn't respond without higher dosages and then quits responding altogether and a new drug has to be found and tried. It's why I've never taken drugs for my Dysthymia as my initial psychiatrist advised against them.
My psychiatrist then said drugs would be a lifelong affair chasing the one that works for a year or so, maybe two to three if I'm lucky, but always slowly increasing the dosage as the drug's effect fades when the brain doesn't respond, and then it's off it to find another one.
She said about half wouldn't work and the other half would for awhile, only to fade to search for another one, and then repeat this my whole life. That's changed a little since many of the drugs for Dysthymia then were lower dosage of stronger drugs for depression.
That was about the time they discovered for some Dysthymia isn't a temporary situation for some but a permanent condition which is now known to be hardwired in the brain. The reward circuit just doesn't work the same for some people. And while they've come up with drugs more suitable for this form of Dysthymia, but it's still the same cycle of drug to response.
And they all have significant side effects, some of which exacerbate the person's Dysthymia because the side effects worsen the situation or condition the person hates, such as their body (lethargy, weight gain, eating, etc.), mind (thoughts, feelings or emotions), or their circumstance (family, job, etc.).
It's also why all the pain-killing drugs with "good" side effects and all the recreational drugs don't work for me. I don't get the response and don't get the addiction to wanting the response. My brain simply doesn't respond because it can't respond, and therefore I can't become addicted.
And yes, in my younger days I tried a few drugs, and found marijuana fun but mostly because it made me hungry a lot, the munchy reaction. I quit it eventually because there was more things to do than sit around stoned with the munchies. I tried mescaline, which did work since it effects a different part of the brain.
There was a hallucinogenic effect, some wild ones at that with the 6-12 hour dosage, but again, nothing to become addicted to it. And no I wouldn't try any of them again. No reason and no interest, and only it reaffirms I couldn't be an addict if I tried, my brain won't let me.
My brain, which is my enemy many times and also my saving grace a few times too.
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