Dreams of Emptiness

Recently I finished the routine monthly work on my Mt. Rainier NP for February, not only ahead of schedule, usually saved for the last week of the month before, but before the first of the month in over a year, always posting it late in the first week or two of the new month.

I then set to finish some edits of seasonal Web pages before planning to work on the last of those for winter and look to write the spring seasonal Web pages, but that's for another time in the future. Then suddenly my mind went blank.

I've had problems since the Siatic nerve issues last July, the infection last September, the realization of the digestive issue was from drugs I was taking for another issue where I had to choose between them but not both, which killed a lifelong plan.

That left me mentally drained of almost all my motivation, inspiration and discipline to do anything. And then after last week's work I started having dreams of emptiness. Dreams of rooms in a house, blank of anything discernable on the walls or ceiling and devoid of anything in the room.

Just emptiness, and try as I could in my dreams I couldn't add anything, nothing, not even a plot let alone objects or people. Just empty, blank rooms. I'm not sure where it relates but the walking, now up to 5-6 miles 4-5 times a week is leaving me exhausted every day, and eating is becoming a chore.

I've discovered the farther I walk and the more days I walk, the less I eat, even the days I don't walk, I eat far less than I used to eat on non-walking days. I know my body is adjusting to the walking as the leg muscles fight over their weakness from the pinched nerves to get fit.

I'm not walking as far or carrying as much as I did a year ago when I easily walked 6 miles with 20-25 pounds of groceries (including 1 or 2 half gallons of milk), and discovered 6 miles seems to be the physical limit the legs will walk as farther just leaves the muscles too tired to do much for the rest of the day.

But it's the dreams that are bothering me as they're occuring successive nights since last week. My mind  during the day just seems blank of much thought and memories to put into dreams, or something else is happening that I don't know and won't know until the dreams change.

Until the emptiness ends. So I wait.