Selling optimism

I was reading an article in the Washington Post, "Researchers ask why optimism is associated with health, pessimism with disease", and it was interesting for what the researchers are trying to prove. They've always tried to link optimism to good health, a good attitude and prosperity. And the opposite, link pessimism to disease, illness, depression, and everything bad physical and mental health.

And they tried to link better social attitude and prosperity to the whole mess of optimism, meaning pessimism is linked to being alone, social phobias, and everything else they can dump on the evidence. Except it's never been fully proven true, only interpretations of the data to what they set out to prove anyway.

Overstated, maybe a little. But when other researchers looked at the data and their interpretations, they discovered they didn't include other factors effecting a person's health, such as economic and financial standing, social networks, education, experience, and so on down the list, but more importantly the invdividual's genetics and characteristics.

They simply made connections which don't ring true when examined under the whole suite of data. They selective choose which factors they wanted and denied the rest had merit or value. And if nothing else, I am an example. I have excellent health, barring the genetic conditions provided by my ancestors. I exercise (walking, running, hiking, etc.) and am active (photographer).

Due to issues and problems with my digestive system I eat healthy, all natural and organic foods, minus the occasional prepared soups and meals I can't fix. I eat a variety of foods, that my body will allow. In short, I am the very model of the optimistic persons based on individual health and fitness in their interpretations.

Except I have genetic, meaning lifelong, Dysthymia and optimism isn't in my mindset. I am predisposed to pessimistic thinking, feeling and emotion from mild to moderate and on occasions in the my life, severe depression. It's who I am, and that flies in the face of their statements about pessimistic people.

And it's what Barbara Ehrenreich points out in her new book on Optimism. The data has been misinterpreted and misused and the widespread acceptance of optimism by people is at the foundation of many of this country's problems.

We have hyped optimism into a hole we can't see out of, let alone find answers. Just look at the news, especially the interviews of people, and especially politicians. They espouse confidence, hope, and so on with the words saying it will get better, forgetting that same "get better" is what got us where we are today. Our hype of optimism is part and parcel key in the whole suite of problems we're facing.

And still we hype optimism. Like the blind being lost with no companion or tools to know where they are, let alone how to get out. We're blind to our own hype. And we keep paying the price.

The glass of water

Why do they always ask you about the glass of water half filled with water, "Is the glass half empty or half full?" What not just say, "It's a glass of water." Why is the water seen as optimism and the air as pessimism? Or better yet ask, "Gee, I'm thirsty, do you mind if I drink it?" Or ask, "What type of water?", meaning where did come from, to know it's origin more than the faucet.

Why can't an optimist say, "It needs to be filled up."? Or, a pessimist say, "Maybe someone is thirsty."? Why do they want to assign some qualitative value to a clear glass of water? Relative to its content of water and air? Why can't they give you the option to say it's both, half full and half empty, an equal amount of each?

Well, I don't know but psychologist love to make things an either-or judgement to see which side of the fence you mentally live. Like it matters? For what? It doesn't change you, and certainly not the glass of water. Only them making some judgement of you, not that it's important or critical, just personal to them.

Which means, to me, it's simply cow pasture material. A Taoist would look at the glass and say, "It's a glass of water." Nothing more than the simple observation. A realist would say, "Well, is anyone going to do anything with the glass of water?" Nothing more than thinking out loud.

But it's at the heart of many psychologist's, or therapist's, questions, the either-or idea to discover something good or bad about you or your thoughts, emotions, or feelings. And if you can't or don't want to make a choice, then they'll push until you make it, meaning your reaction is now part of their judgement.

Like, "So why are you afraid to say if the glass is half full or half empty?" Like it matters? And if you, "The glass is both half full and half empty.", they will ask you why you thinks it's both. Like it's the reality of the glass and the air and water inside it? Why are we driven to either-or choices?

Taoism teaches you it's both as both are necessary to the balance of the world. And Dysthymia teaches you to see it's both, like there isn't any other reality, let alone a choice between two, if not more, choices. It's always, "All of the above." when it comes to life and the world.

I would ask, "Why a clear glass?" Why not an opague one you can't quite see the line between the water and air? Why not a black one where you have to imagine the air and water? Would they ask to imagine and decide, make a choice? Why? What does it say about you? What does it tell the psychologist? They all don't interpret the answer the same, so then why answer?

The whole world of your mind, all in a glass of water. And now I'm thirsty.

Being pushed

Update.--I wrote this six weeks into the dosage and six weeks ago. Nothing much has changed, the wind is still there against my back, pushing me forward, and I still expend a lot of mental energy to stay sitted on the edge and not fall off and over into the abyss. But for now it's on a plateau where the wind hasn't increased and the energy lessed, only I've become adjusted to it and have adapted to the times I don't have to think about it.

It's the old adage, nothing changes and everything changes. And I'm still sitting on the edge with the wind against my back.

Orginal Post.--I wrote about livng on the edge of life. Well, I'm still there and still here. It doesn't go away and never will beyond just a slight improvement. I've always reckoned it to sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon. The giant abyss, easy to fall into and never worry again.

But I haven't, or at least stopped myself just this side of life. But that is also changing, not just with age but with my medication. I describe as if a wind is pushing from behind and it takes most my energy to stay seated on the edge and not pushed over the edge. The pressure against the back is just too much some days I just sit. Wasted and gone.

But it's also a choice. The medication is absolutely necessary for what I'm doing. And the dosage is adjustable. I can take less and feel better, but it won't work as well and as fast, and often even barely works at all. I can take more and risk the potential mental hazards with the physical changes, some not so good. I've tested varying dosages and found the limit.

And that's the conumdrum. More works for what I want but the push becomes more and the risk greater to falling off the edge. Less takes far longer, keeps me sane and normal, but doesn't work more than a minimum. And with the physician we adjust it accordingly.

I increase it and note the changes. At about two weeks the pressure begins, so I've always lowered it and within a week I'm back to normal. I do that 2-3 times a year, always with the same results. This time, I'm on six weeks because I wanted to see what happened past the two weeks. Now I know. And that doesn't change, and even slowly gets worse.

And it's the constant pressure pushing and the constant energy to stay seated and upright. It's not that I want to fall over the edge. I don't. I've found the best place to stay sane and still function as well as do what I want, except the one thing the medication helps. And that's the price and costs. And always the question.

So, I sit. Against the wind at my back and the abyss in front of me.

Wanting to quit

Wanting to quit. Interesting feeling. Not wanting to die. Not wanting to quit life. Not wanting to quit existing. Just quit. No quit what. No when. No why. Just quit. Nothing else. Just quit.

But what does that mean, to me, at least? I don't know. It's not quit living, that's not the thought, the feeling or the emotion. Not resignation, defeat, leaving, going, whatever else. Just the simple word. Quit.

It's the feeling. To sit down and just let life go by. It's the feeling. To sit there with a blank mind looking out with no thought, feeling or emotion. Just sitting.

To get up and walk, just walk, and keeping walking, nowhere, just going one foot at a time somewhere except here. To hope it never ends and I never tire.

To stand up and let life just drain from me, onto the floor. To feel empty, totally empty, nothing. To sit in the pre-dawn darkness and hope the sun never rises, to feel the darkness surround and enveloe me, and dissolve into it.

To stand surrounded by the light with the edge of the sun just below the horizon spreading all around. To feel the cold just before the first rays hits my face. To feel the light and warmth of the first rays of the sun. To feel the light just go through me forever. To feel the cold of the morning slowly slip away with the darkness.

To stand in the forest during a rainstorm. To feel the rain fall. Constant, never ceasing, never letting, just falling. To feel it on and around me. The sound against me. The smell. The feel. To disappear in it and into it. Into everything else. Nothing else, just rain.

To stand in a snowstorm surrounded by white. Everywhere. To feel the blizzard, the snow swirling all around finding me, to settle on me, and dissappear into the white. To be lost in the white. And the snow.

To stand in the middle of a stream like a boulder, the water flowing over and around me, not knowing anything else. To feel the cold, flowing water wearing me down, slowly. moving me during floods like all the rocks and boulders. To stop anew somewhere, nowhere but still in the stream, like nothing happened.

To stand in desert surrounded by sand. The heat, the wind, and the sand. Nothing else. Just another particle on the wind. To be one of the vastness of openness where all is sand, wind, heat and time. Nothing else.

To sit on the edge of the Grand Canyon, the depth of time below, the vastness of space around, and the sky above. To know time has been, time is and time will always be. And be there for a moment, lost with the rest of everything and lost in time with everything.

To quit being and just be. Nothing more. Just be. No thought, No feeling. No emotion. The spiriting wanting. The soul wondering. The mind empty. The body just there. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just nothing.

To quit. To feel alive.

Inside a cloud

I was trying to think of a way to describe my experience with Dythymia, and I would drawn to the idea when people visit Paradise in Mt. Rainier NP. Paradise is as the name implies, wonderful and beautiful, and through the sunmer it's majestic. Many people go there during the summer and don't see the other seasons and many other different times there and in the NP.

I've been there when the clouds cover the region and lose the mountain from view. And being there you realize you standing inside a cloud, a massive storm front cloud, surrounded by everything cloud. And your visibility, if you're lucky, is a few hundred feet at best. And after a minute you feel the water droplets encasing you into the cloud itself. You become part of the cloud.

I's always an amazing feeling then and there. To just stand there and feel the cloud envelope you and the water forms on your clothes, your (exposed) skin, and for me, my glasses. It doesn't matter to wipe it off as it reforms almost as quickly. The cloud simply makes you one of the object inside it and a part of it. You're lost in and being part of the cloud.

That's what it's like. Except the cloud is the world and life, engulfiing you in a world surrouded on all sides by the world you can't see out. You can only feel the immediate world around, hanging on you, engulfing you, and becoming you. You and the world merge into the one where all you see and know is the world as a cloud. Everything else is gone, long outside the cloud, beyond your horizon, and even your imagination and memory.

The cloud is outside and iinside of you. You become a cloud within a cloud, lost when the inside and outside merge into one, including you, your mind, your heart, all of you. You know and feel what is and yet you know it's just the situation and circumstance. You know you're in a cloud, and yet there is nothing yhou can do or think to change it.

You can only stand there and wait. Let things pass and the weather will change to rrain, snow or sunshine. You don't know because the cloud doesn't know what will happen. That's determined by the situation and circumstances outside the cloud and you. You can change some things, even your emotions, feelings and thoughts, but always inside and surrounded by the cloud.

There is no out. Mentally walk as you want, it's doesn't change. The cloud doesn't follow you, it's always just there, More cloud. And then there will be a moment when you think and feel like a cloud. The cloud. The one you're in and the one you are. But then everything doesn't feel bad, not even just what is, but ok. Comfort.

Your whole world isn't a cloud but a whole universe. Your universe. And it's suddenly not a cloud but that whole universe. You realize it goes on forever, not restricted but something of itself and connected to everything else. It hasn't changed. You have. And it's not bad or sad. Just is and what it is. What you are.

And then it's no longer a cloud. Others, outside, may see or think it's a cloud. That's all they see, the cloud and you somewhere deep inside, lost to them and the world. But it's not. It's a world just different from theirs. It's yours, the cloud and you, and now you know it will be and get better, sunshine or not.

You don't need sunshine. You know the cloud isn't the limitation to you, it's just where you are for the moment, and you know it won't last when weather changes. You've seen and felt the cloud from the inside, You've been a part of it. And even when the sun comes, you'll remember the cloud and what it was like, how it felt, how it enveloped you, and how you found solace and understanding, of the cloud and of yourself.

And the next time, you'll know and learn again and anew about the inside of clouds.