Now

Now in my later years I realize I'll never be who I know I am inside. All the time and medical science can't change the reality of my body as I was given and I am. And the best I can do is find something somewhere on the road to who I know I am inside. That is all I can do now in my life. And only if I try.

Not Eating

I've struggled with food and eating, mostly digestive issues starting 30 years ago but getting worse over the last 5 years and more so the last 2 years. The list of foods I can eat now can be written on a 4x6 postit note with room for doodles.

But what I've learned over this years trying to find a workable diet and still have food experiment days, usually producing an adverse reaction, is that I only feel good when I don't eat. I'm always hungry now because I eat snack 4-6 times a day which I'm trying to reduce to 2-3 times a day.

Anyway, I've discovered how food effects my mental and emotional being. Like that's new or news to anyone, but hey, it is to me. And because I can't eat if I plan a trip for most if not the whole day and live on coffee and protein drinks and snacks, I've learned those are the days I feel my best.

My best mentally and emotionally. I don't know why, I'm open to suggestions, but it's made looking at food and eating differently where I'm learning only to eat when I want to eat and only eat enough to enjoy the taste and stop feeling hungry.

I've learned there's a fine line between that good feeling and feeling hungry. Feeling hungry changes things where I need to eat just one small thing, hence those little protein snacks normally used for exercise or hiking.

Anyway, I just thought it's interesting. Some people live for and around food as their mental and emotional fuel. Some don't, eating simply to sustain themselves and occasionally for enjoyment, usually with friends, over discussions, etc.

I've found food and eating the total opposite, my enemy and leaving it alone is the only time I feel good.

I Know

I know I have a lot to do. A lot of immediate stuff to do, a lot of more that takes more than a few days to do, and a lot more that will be months to do, and even some stuff long scheduled for the coming years.

I know because it sits there ready to do. I know because I should be doing it. I know because it won't be done by anyone else.

I know, but I just don't want to do it. I know that too. I know both and don't have an answer for either.

What It's Not

It's not so much what we think of ourself, it's the fear of what we think others see and think of us. That is what we most hate about ourself, our own imagination of ourself seen by others in our mind through our eyes. Some never think about it, many fuss over it, and some hate ourself for it.

A Life

I can't wish for a life I didn't have for the obvious reason I didn't have and couldn't have it, but it doesn't stop me from wishing I had a life I didn't have. Wishing and reality can coexist without contradiction or conflict, just two thoughts and feelings simultaneously being one, the life I am and a life I wish I had.