Choosing an out

I wrote about having an out. Some people plan and commit the act of suicide with an out. It's the last second that decides if they choose the act or the out. It's not that they don't want to die, but they subconsciously put life in the choice, just in case. No one doubts the finality of suicide, especially those thinking and planning the act, but some subconsciously leave the crack in the life door.

This isn't about those who attempt, and sometimes succeed, for attention or as a sudden reaction to a situation or circumstances. It's about those who are often invisible to others, who simply go about life while moving in the direction of suicide. It's all been described by the professionals in the signs all too often are overlooking by others, especially family and friends, or disguised by the person, and usually only seen in hindsight, and more often than not, with sad consequences.

It's with them that some put into their plan an out. It can be a last minute choice or a last second change, it's the same, they gave themselves an out. Not like they wanted to, or even know they did, but they did. And sometimes they take the out. Some to try another time and some to realize who they are and what's important.

So, why, if they're so focused on dying, they give themselves an out? I doubt anyone and even professionals, know. I'm sure there are a number of theories and ideas, often from ancedotal information and stories of patients who are still alive from choosing the out. I know I don't even know why I gave myself one, twice.

I'm sure there are people, especially religious folks, will try to relate it to or about God and God's will or about the person found salvation or even God in the last minute. In truth, that's bullshit. When you're there, you don't see or know God, so I doubt there's any realization, let alone a revelation, about God. It's simply about life and death, yours.

In some ways I don't think it's different when people in a situation or circumstance are near or facing death. Some fight to live, some accept death, and some gave up early on. With suicide, it's the same except it's your decision to act or not, to life or not, and why some give themselves an out and use it. It's not that they won't be there again, and may choose the same or a different answer.

As you can read, I'm only talking from my experience and understanding, which isn't much, just mine and what I've learned in the intervening years. All I know is the out was there and I chose it. The first at the last minute and the second knowing I had the choice. It's why I personally think some don't put the out in the (suicide) plan and some do subconsciously. For the latter, it's the last second choice.

The simple out. Today I won't, but tomorrow, i don't know. I only know when I get there and facing myself to decide and act. The rest is what happens.