Can I?

Some days I'm so physically and mentally tired I ask myself, "Can I die now?" I have no intention to die by my own hand, been there, almost done that twice, something I'm not interested in a third time charm. But there are moments in some days I wouldn't fight it if death was standing before telling me it's my time.

The drugs I take for a condition are crashing my mind and body. Food is my enemy so much I fear eating anything but know I have to eat. My hands and feet are forever problems with the cold. The TMJ is slowly taking a toll on the left side of my face. I can't tolerate statin drugs for my cholesterol and the blockage in my pulmonary artery.

The Dysthymia is taken all my motivation for life and I fear the drugs and their side effects more than the condition. Some days I take 2 or 3 naps because I can't stay awake from all the problems. Some days I take naps because it's better than anything else to do. Most nights I don't sleep through the night and always hate waking up, knowing it's the same life.

I know there are people with far worse conditions and problems who fight to live and enjoy what life they have. But all said, some days I'm still tired and wouldn't fight death if it came. I would ask it, "Can I die now?"