Falling Behind

When I retired in December 2005, a year or two ahead of my original planned retirement date, I pushed it forward when I realized I could afford to live, as I thought then, comfortably on my annuity with the small annual increases as has always happened and after is was made clear to me my boss had targeted me for retirement soon to fulfill his mandate from his boss to reduce staff.

Faced with being a victim of office politics and circumstances which would have eliminated my job and face a demotion with the same salary for two years before it was also reduced, I decided to say, "Fuck 'em" and walk out to do what I wanted than get up every day to the pressure from an asshole boss. I had already been passed over for promotion a few years earlier, one wanted by the staff, for political reasons, because I don't do well being a "yes" person.

As it turned out I thought I was ok financially. Not great as one of the three plans had to be slowed to a crawl while I worked on the other two, my photography and my photography guide. The third is still progressing albeit slower as recent health issues have cost me a fair amount and still not have a diagnosis let alone a treatment plan and as the drugs for the goal has caused its own health issues and problems.

But then the recession and more so the politics in Washington DC over how to get out of it, between the indignant Tea Party, the acquiescence of the Republicans to them, and the compitulation of the Senate majority leader and the President to both of them at the expense of the American people, namely the middle class and especially the poor, elderly and others, happened. The 99%'ers got screwed.

The failures of the President and the Democrats has, with my own decisons to continue to push forward with my plans, has overwhelmed me finanically. I didn't expect my annuity to be frozen by this President for two years and likely will be for another two to three more years. I didn't expect my health insurance premiums to nearly double in that same period - no thanks to the above mentioned groups and individual. I didn't expect the cost of living to push me into this situation.

And so the combination of my finances, income and health has excerbated my feelings about getting old with my third goal to leave me immensely overwhelmed by everything around me and everything else. All the good things I planned and was working on were larger than my ability to keep pace let alone advance beyond a few things. And it's really not the money but the work and life.

For every one thing I work on there are several more major projects waiting for me around my home. The photo guide ground to a halt over the summer for the other projects and now I'm 3 months behind just keeping current with little interest to work on it let alone catch up and then focus on the other undone pieces of the guide and then work on the book.

My photography stopped due to health issues and chasing an diagnosis and hopefully a treatment plan to get my body back and then my life. Neither has happened as the medical professional either don't know, can't determine, don't seem to care, or dismiss the symptoms as age and other "normal" factors and as those issues has left me less healthy and fit and excerbated my Dysthymia into a depression.

The dominoes fell over and pushed me over a mental cliff with little energy and interest to stand up and walk out of the canyon I'm currently in with no obvious trail to get out and then on with life and all those projects sitting around my mind and in my home. I'm feeling so far behind I'm not sure where to start anymore.

And yet I know the answer, if only my body didn't hurt, would work, and not feel tired almost all the time. And time doesn't appear to be on my side right now, or so it feels as the days go slowly by and then appear to disappear behind me in the mirror of time. I have grown to like my life but hate my body. Not the aging so much, although being slower and less agile hasn't felt good, but the look I've always disliked about me is worse in my eyes, getting old(er).

And I'm falling behind in life and my life every day, spiraling away from where I planned, wanted to be and expected to be. And how to change my course in life and myself is the task at hand as that too is falling behind. It's like standing somewhere in the Sahari without a map or compass, and all I see is sand and desert and all I feel is the heat and the wind. And all I want to do is sit down and let the desert absorb into time, its time.

At least I won't fall behind anymore.