Endorphins

I wish endorphins would work for me. All the years I've been running, hiking and now walking I rarely get any of what people call the "runner's high" from the endorphins produced from being active, especially from exercise.

Endorphins in my brain are like dumping the largest freighter in the world full of salt into the ocean, nothing happens. And what's worse is that all the medical Websites I read about endorphins, more specifically endorphin deficiency, I'm doing everything they tell or sell me which is supposed to help.

I've long come to the conclusion something is wrong to or in the part of by brain where endorphins are supposed to work. And now having walked about 1,600 miles this year, I still feel about the same emotionally and mentally as I did this time last year, with one exception.

The exception is that I don't think of death and dying. I've stopped thinking of that and actually found moments I felt mildly better, but nothing close to what endorphins are supposed to do to improve one's mental and emotional well-being.

What's worse is that a drug I was taking for two years for another condition which supposedly had the side effect of alleviating depression actually worsened my Dysthymia into depression and  exacerbated a condition which causes the small intestine to bleed.

What I've slowly lost is my interest and motivation is what I love, photography, Mt. Rainier NP and just living quietly in the community where I live. I had it before I pinched my Sciatic nerve in July 2012 and while it's slowly coming back as I walk and the nerve heals, it's hasn't been enough.

What's interesting is that losing the weight, now about 25 lbs (190 to 164) has helped me feel better about my body which I had long hated for being fat, some genetic, some from being less active for periods and some from the drugs I was taking for another condition.

That's the good news, to sustain an exercise program for a long time, a year now for me with another year or so to go. Walking has become somewhat addictive where I miss the days I don't walk, even the days walking is tiresome, the body or legs hurts and the weather sucks (hot or cold).

Through it all, I'd love to have some endorphins. Moments aren't enough anymore and drugs aren't the answer. I've learned that from other drugs, my body hates them and reacts adversely, mostly depression followed by becoming a couch potato and getting fat again.

Yeah, that spiral into the depths. I've been there too often including serious thoughts of suicide with one almost successful atttempt and I won't go there again. I just wish endorphins worked on me.

Conclusion

After all the miles I've walked, the nearly 25 lbs I've lost, and slowly finding the body I knew existed under the fat, when the endorphins should have and would have made me feel good about myself and happy about what I've accomplished, I don't.

I've long come to the conclusion one of two things don't work in my brain. Simply, it's almost impossible for me to feel let alone be happy for more than a moment, which leaves me thinking either the connections to the rewards center in my brain barely works or the rewards center itself doesn't work.

I know I can stuff all the drugs into my brain I want into it and nothing really changes. I also know that some drugs which are supposed to improve a person's outlook doesn't improve mine. I don't take anti-depressants because the side effects are worse than the drug's effect.

It's like walking on a narrow ridge between a beautiful valley and a deep, dark crevasse. When drugs are supposed to push you into the valley, they push me into the crevasse, and only not taking them makes me feel better, at least back to standing on the ridge.

Even a few years ago when I ran 15-20 miles a week, I rarely felt the endorphins I knew were there but didn't work. Even when I was taking a drugs for another condition, it made me feel worse and I had to stop which effectively stopped the changes the drugs was supposed to make.

I don't have answers for this outside of just remembering the few moments I feel good about myself and happy about my life. One like this morning when standing in the kitchen my body felt good from all the miles of walking, but then almost immediately told me I had many more miles to go.

All I know now is to keep walking, 5 to 6 days a week for 40-50 miles a week, in hopes of resuming running later next spring and hiking next summer or fall. And during this work there will be moments, hopefully more than a few, I'll feel happy.

The point here is that people who tell you happiness is a choice are full of shit, only because they have a false sense of happiness and a wrong definition of what it means to feel and be happy. They're simply ignorant of the reality of people.

But they sell this shit so people chase answers in drugs, therapy, whatever, trying to find happiness without realizing it's innately in them, if only in the smallest amounts or few moments, but happiness is hard work for some people.

It is partly why I walk, despite the weather, even because of the weather, I go out the door and walk 8 miles, to get fitter than I am now and to feel better than I am now. It's a choice I make, don't walk and I know how I feel, walk and I know I will change.

And maybe along the walks the moments will be more often and maybe longer. That's all I can hope for now, that the endorphins will work a little more and a little better.