Conclusion

After all the miles I've walked, the nearly 25 lbs I've lost, and slowly finding the body I knew existed under the fat, when the endorphins should have and would have made me feel good about myself and happy about what I've accomplished, I don't.

I've long come to the conclusion one of two things don't work in my brain. Simply, it's almost impossible for me to feel let alone be happy for more than a moment, which leaves me thinking either the connections to the rewards center in my brain barely works or the rewards center itself doesn't work.

I know I can stuff all the drugs into my brain I want into it and nothing really changes. I also know that some drugs which are supposed to improve a person's outlook doesn't improve mine. I don't take anti-depressants because the side effects are worse than the drug's effect.

It's like walking on a narrow ridge between a beautiful valley and a deep, dark crevasse. When drugs are supposed to push you into the valley, they push me into the crevasse, and only not taking them makes me feel better, at least back to standing on the ridge.

Even a few years ago when I ran 15-20 miles a week, I rarely felt the endorphins I knew were there but didn't work. Even when I was taking a drugs for another condition, it made me feel worse and I had to stop which effectively stopped the changes the drugs was supposed to make.

I don't have answers for this outside of just remembering the few moments I feel good about myself and happy about my life. One like this morning when standing in the kitchen my body felt good from all the miles of walking, but then almost immediately told me I had many more miles to go.

All I know now is to keep walking, 5 to 6 days a week for 40-50 miles a week, in hopes of resuming running later next spring and hiking next summer or fall. And during this work there will be moments, hopefully more than a few, I'll feel happy.

The point here is that people who tell you happiness is a choice are full of shit, only because they have a false sense of happiness and a wrong definition of what it means to feel and be happy. They're simply ignorant of the reality of people.

But they sell this shit so people chase answers in drugs, therapy, whatever, trying to find happiness without realizing it's innately in them, if only in the smallest amounts or few moments, but happiness is hard work for some people.

It is partly why I walk, despite the weather, even because of the weather, I go out the door and walk 8 miles, to get fitter than I am now and to feel better than I am now. It's a choice I make, don't walk and I know how I feel, walk and I know I will change.

And maybe along the walks the moments will be more often and maybe longer. That's all I can hope for now, that the endorphins will work a little more and a little better.