Endorphins

I wish endorphins would work for me. All the years I've been running, hiking and now walking I rarely get any of what people call the "runner's high" from the endorphins produced from being active, especially from exercise.

Endorphins in my brain are like dumping the largest freighter in the world full of salt into the ocean, nothing happens. And what's worse is that all the medical Websites I read about endorphins, more specifically endorphin deficiency, I'm doing everything they tell or sell me which is supposed to help.

I've long come to the conclusion something is wrong to or in the part of by brain where endorphins are supposed to work. And now having walked about 1,600 miles this year, I still feel about the same emotionally and mentally as I did this time last year, with one exception.

The exception is that I don't think of death and dying. I've stopped thinking of that and actually found moments I felt mildly better, but nothing close to what endorphins are supposed to do to improve one's mental and emotional well-being.

What's worse is that a drug I was taking for two years for another condition which supposedly had the side effect of alleviating depression actually worsened my Dysthymia into depression and  exacerbated a condition which causes the small intestine to bleed.

What I've slowly lost is my interest and motivation is what I love, photography, Mt. Rainier NP and just living quietly in the community where I live. I had it before I pinched my Sciatic nerve in July 2012 and while it's slowly coming back as I walk and the nerve heals, it's hasn't been enough.

What's interesting is that losing the weight, now about 25 lbs (190 to 164) has helped me feel better about my body which I had long hated for being fat, some genetic, some from being less active for periods and some from the drugs I was taking for another condition.

That's the good news, to sustain an exercise program for a long time, a year now for me with another year or so to go. Walking has become somewhat addictive where I miss the days I don't walk, even the days walking is tiresome, the body or legs hurts and the weather sucks (hot or cold).

Through it all, I'd love to have some endorphins. Moments aren't enough anymore and drugs aren't the answer. I've learned that from other drugs, my body hates them and reacts adversely, mostly depression followed by becoming a couch potato and getting fat again.

Yeah, that spiral into the depths. I've been there too often including serious thoughts of suicide with one almost successful atttempt and I won't go there again. I just wish endorphins worked on me.