Falling Until I Stop

When my Dysthymia worsens into depression I describe it as falling into a deep (dry) well where I just keep falling bouncing off the sides, struggling to find a place to grab or put my foot, but always just falling. Falling until I stop.

And when I stop I sit down and become silent, taking the darkness, the mental and emotional emptiness of the space and time, noting that looking up is still only darkness, no light, even in the farthest distance above me.

And there I sit, mentally, for days, often weeks, on end, sometimes months and occasionally a year or more, just treading life to get by, disguising it at work, with family and friends, and struggling with myself to find a way up and out.

And there I sit, in the quiet darkness, not feeling, not thinking, not anything but striving for emptiness, for all my feelings and thoughts are disasterous and dangerous. Alone in the darkness, the light from the opening in the well abov me long vanquished by the darkness.

All I have are my thoughts and feelings to survive in life and struggle to find an answer. Eventually I find the mental energy to do small things and slowly reclaim the everyday things of my life, and then eventually the bigger things.

I climb out of the well into the light, into life itself. But I'm never far from the well and never safe from falling again until I stop. It's alway a reality pushing against any mental thoughts or feelings for the good because there is comfort in the bottom of the well.

In the darkness I often find better insight into what I want to do, how I really feel about life and what I think of myself. Sometimes there is a clarity in the darkness you don't find elsewhere when and where the mind is free to roam into place the light and life won't let it.

So it's often a fight to find comfort whether in the light or darkness. It just depends which is better, struggling with life, falling into the well or sitting in the darkness. Which is better when and where I am.