There is nothing like the feeling after you've completely exhausted yourself and all the thoughts and feelings about something and feel totally drained, void of any energy, feeling or thoughts. You are empty of everything, even yourself.
You are nothing for that moment before everything comes back to remind you of reality and your life. But for a moment there was nothing like that moment of total silence with yourself.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Self-Centered
People have always thought that being self-centered made a person who is considered arrogant and not worthy of consideration, let alone being a friend. But it's not always true and you have to determine the source and cause of their self-centeredness.
This is because some people, by their very nature, their innate sense of being, are introverted, introspective and prefer being alone. Most of the time they are concerned about themselves because it's who they are and how they see themselves.
They aren't self-centered for attention, for control, for power or other reasons or purposes we often see and attribute to self-centered people who have strong personalities and demand to be the center of attention, the person always in control, etc.
They are the exact opposite. They are in their own world and they don't want to be the center of anything except themselves, so they seem self-centered, but it's just how the get through the world and deal with people.
They often seem to be unsocial or even anti-social, and people often treat them accordingly, and sometimes angrily if not badly, but it's wrong to do so as it only makes them feel worse about themselves and want to go back into and stay in their own world.
They can be great friends, just not necessarily openly or socially, and always there when you need them, just give them their space and time, and don't abuse it or overuse it. They'll just walk away and go back into their own world.
So being self-centered is relative to their personality and you should take the time to distinguish between the obvious, attention-seeking self-centered people and those who say from attention and are just private people.
The former are overtly and overly extroverts and the latter is the opposite. Know the difference for the former make bad friends and the latter could be your best friend.
This is because some people, by their very nature, their innate sense of being, are introverted, introspective and prefer being alone. Most of the time they are concerned about themselves because it's who they are and how they see themselves.
They aren't self-centered for attention, for control, for power or other reasons or purposes we often see and attribute to self-centered people who have strong personalities and demand to be the center of attention, the person always in control, etc.
They are the exact opposite. They are in their own world and they don't want to be the center of anything except themselves, so they seem self-centered, but it's just how the get through the world and deal with people.
They often seem to be unsocial or even anti-social, and people often treat them accordingly, and sometimes angrily if not badly, but it's wrong to do so as it only makes them feel worse about themselves and want to go back into and stay in their own world.
They can be great friends, just not necessarily openly or socially, and always there when you need them, just give them their space and time, and don't abuse it or overuse it. They'll just walk away and go back into their own world.
So being self-centered is relative to their personality and you should take the time to distinguish between the obvious, attention-seeking self-centered people and those who say from attention and are just private people.
The former are overtly and overly extroverts and the latter is the opposite. Know the difference for the former make bad friends and the latter could be your best friend.
The Two
I was diagnosed with genetic, life-long Dysthymia in the early 1990's in between my brother death in August 1991 from a heart attack (his second) at the age of 43 and my father's death from natural causes in November 1994.
It was considered genetic since there is a history of mild depression in the family on my father side and lifelong because the symptoms first appeared as a child. I prefered to be alone in my own world it was the only place I was safe from being bullied.
What I have learned since the diagnosis is that the rewards center of my brain doesn't work normally. It barely works at all because I rarely feel happy for more than a few moments, drugs don't work and efforts by others to make me happy never succeed.
I often wondered if the failure of the rewards center of my brain is the center itself or the brain failing to activate it, or a combination of the two. I often wonder if the failure is a symtom of Dysthymia and the condition is truly a physical problem of the brain and not just not trying hard enough to be happy.
I think this because all the efforts to find some measure of happiness, however small, is always mild and fleeting, and my mind quickly goes back to reality and sometime the negative side. It's my normal, instinctive, innate reaction and perception of life and the world.
When they say depression is just a temporary psychological issue, it might be true for some people and their brain can get through the depression, but for some people, like me, it's not true because our brains are hardwired for it and all the effort through therapy, treatment, drugs, etc. never work or lasts.
When they say depression isn't good, it's not true. It's two things of the things we are. Normal as anyone else. Just different in how we see the world.
It was considered genetic since there is a history of mild depression in the family on my father side and lifelong because the symptoms first appeared as a child. I prefered to be alone in my own world it was the only place I was safe from being bullied.
What I have learned since the diagnosis is that the rewards center of my brain doesn't work normally. It barely works at all because I rarely feel happy for more than a few moments, drugs don't work and efforts by others to make me happy never succeed.
I often wondered if the failure of the rewards center of my brain is the center itself or the brain failing to activate it, or a combination of the two. I often wonder if the failure is a symtom of Dysthymia and the condition is truly a physical problem of the brain and not just not trying hard enough to be happy.
I think this because all the efforts to find some measure of happiness, however small, is always mild and fleeting, and my mind quickly goes back to reality and sometime the negative side. It's my normal, instinctive, innate reaction and perception of life and the world.
When they say depression is just a temporary psychological issue, it might be true for some people and their brain can get through the depression, but for some people, like me, it's not true because our brains are hardwired for it and all the effort through therapy, treatment, drugs, etc. never work or lasts.
When they say depression isn't good, it's not true. It's two things of the things we are. Normal as anyone else. Just different in how we see the world.
Naps
Several days a week I take an afternoon nap. Sometime between about 1 and 3 pm I lie down on my really comfy futon pillow couch, which is just long enough to stretch out with my head on the pillow, and take a naps for anywhere from 10-15 minutes to 30 minutes or more and occasionally most of an hour.
What's curious though is that I don't think of death when I lie down, I always think of just taking a nap, sleeping to relax. But when I come out of the nap a thought often pervades my mind. Death. I think what if when I fell asleep during the nap I never woke up.
I think that I would never know what happened. Everything I was, everything I knew, everything I experienced would just be gone from life, from this world, and no one would ever know, but just my body lying on the couch.
I think that waking up is sometimes the best thing I do that day. Death didn't take me during my nap. But who knows when someday I'll lie down to take a nap and it will be the last thing I do.
What's curious though is that I don't think of death when I lie down, I always think of just taking a nap, sleeping to relax. But when I come out of the nap a thought often pervades my mind. Death. I think what if when I fell asleep during the nap I never woke up.
I think that I would never know what happened. Everything I was, everything I knew, everything I experienced would just be gone from life, from this world, and no one would ever know, but just my body lying on the couch.
I think that waking up is sometimes the best thing I do that day. Death didn't take me during my nap. But who knows when someday I'll lie down to take a nap and it will be the last thing I do.
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