The Two

I was diagnosed with genetic, life-long Dysthymia in the early 1990's in between my brother death in August 1991 from a heart attack (his second) at the age of 43 and my father's death from natural causes in November 1994.

It was considered genetic since there is a history of mild depression in the family on my father side and lifelong because the symptoms first appeared as a child. I prefered to be alone in my own world it was the only place I was safe from being bullied.

What I have learned since the diagnosis is that the rewards center of my brain doesn't work normally. It barely works at all because I rarely feel happy for more than a few moments, drugs don't work and efforts by others to make me happy never succeed.

I often wondered if the failure of the rewards center of my brain is the center itself or the brain failing to activate it, or a combination of the two. I often wonder if the failure is a symtom of Dysthymia and the condition is truly a physical problem of the brain and not just not trying hard enough to be happy.

I think this because all the efforts to find some measure of happiness, however small, is always mild and fleeting, and my mind quickly goes back to reality and sometime the negative side. It's my normal, instinctive, innate reaction and perception of life and the world.

When they say depression is just a temporary psychological issue, it might be true for some people and their brain can get through the depression, but for some people, like me, it's not true because our brains are hardwired for it and all the effort through therapy, treatment, drugs, etc. never work or lasts.

When they say depression isn't good, it's not true. It's two things of the things we are. Normal as anyone else. Just different in how we see the world.