It's still me

It's still me. As much as I hate who I am, as much as I hate what I am, and as much as I hate how I feel, it's still me. We can't leave ourselves to become someone else because we admire who or what they are or how better they appear to be and feel. We can't. We can change ourselves, but we always get back to the same place with new and different experiences and feelings about ourselves.

But it's always still me. I wrote how I've always hated my body since I can remember, and turning 60 it's all there, my past and my present, to be who and what I am and how I feel and think about it and myself. I am my body and mind, and like it or not, it's all I got.

Like that's new or news? Not really. It's the age old fight against ourselves and growing up and growing old. Everyone's been there - or to the youth today, you will be so don't be so complacent and condescending about us being old - and not everyone hates their body and themself. Most don't and most of the rest just live with it.

But some don't and won't. But try as we can, or feel we must, it's always still us. I'm always still me. And I have to face the reality, whatever I think or feel about myself, it's far from the worst and only something away from getting worse. You see, I've always looked at the negative side of things. And try as I have and do it's a struggle not to stay there or go back when I try to see the positive side.

The positive side just doesn't last. I enjoy the moment and see what I have and can accomplish, but then it's gone and I'm thinking of the next thing. Like baseball, you're only as good as your last game and you're only worth as much as your last season. So it is with life and ourselves.

This doesn't mean I hate myself all the time, just enough. And enough is when and where I find myself less than we I would like to accomplish. The old failure thing. It's not the fear of failing I hate, although that's a smaller issue but within normal feelings of most people. It's not the fear of trying, that's also the same.

It's the fear of knowing all my best will never be good enough and almost always be just ordinary. Just like everyone else. That's not a bad thing. We're all ordinary in most respects, and extraordinary in a few. But even then the extraordinary is like many others, so it's being ordinary on another level.

And it's the fear of knowing I won't really achieve what I want or accomplish what's best. Like everyone, it's the limitations we're born with, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And in my case the Dysthymia just wears down the positive and the hope into just thoughts of what could be or later what could have been.

Simply put, ordinary is relative. And in my case, it's my extraordinary, Dyshtymia, and ordinary for those like me. Relative to who we compare ourselves with to understand how good we are. But it doesn't change the feelings and it doesn't take away the hate. It's always still me. Inside and out. Physically and mentally.

Just me. Like it or not. From brith to death, and everything in between. Just life. Mine.