What we're given II

I wrote the first in a series of wandering essay on what we're given. That one and the rest are more just thinking out loud than anything, but it helps me sort out thoughts, ideas and feelings, so you can meander through them if you want or just skip back and out. Your choice. But I'll still mentally ponder and wander in words.

I was reading article in today's USA Today about Charlize Theron, article, and the feeling she's comfortable in her skin. Her exposure in some movies isn't about nudity as she's ok with her body. Besides appreciating her as a person and an actress, I admire her for knowing and trusting herself with her body.

You see, I hate mine. A long story starting in childhood. I was small for my age and had a very late puberty. My parents, since they basically ignored me throughout my life until my Dad showed me the front door after my first year of college, decided it wasn't an issue important to worry about and deal with. The proverbial, "He'll grow out of it."

Well, I didn't until my senior year when I grew 9+ inches in 9 months but didn't gain much weight. Through my senior year I went from 4'11" and 95 lbs to 5'9" and 115 lbs. I grew another two inches in my first year of college but didn't gain but 5 more lbs. I went into the Air Force underweight so they put on notice to gain or be discharged. Well I left basic training 155 lbs, gaining 30+ lbs in 8 weeks.

But all of that didn't change my feeling of hating my own body. It's never left. I discovered I can't build muscle. I have almost all slow twitch muscles, great for running and stamina but not much else. All the weight lifting for months gets me very little more muscle. And my body can't run beyond 4 miles without crashing.

So, I was given a body that has real limits. And add a little natural fat and the body images go south real fast. I've run for months on end hoping but never losing what fat I have. I can get it down to a minimum but some is always there. And I've always hated it. And now at about 170-175 lbs, I hate it more as the running doesn't help anymore. Fat is fat and it's there.

And now older and geting where the body doesn't get fitter and I'm fighting the slow decline of age, I hate it more. But there's no answer or solution beyond just living with it, like I haven't done that so far, but facing the reality all the exercise won't change anything very much, it's disheartening.

But it's what I was given. And there is an up side. Yeah, really. For one my family doesn't have an extensive history of heart disease. Except my Dad who needed a five-way heart bypass when he was in his early 70's. We don't have a history of cancers, or that I've heard or know of. Otherwise the men just die in the mid-to-late 70's and the women in the 80's or older.

So, we're a trade-off. What we're given. And hate it or not and be comfortable or not with it, it's still what we're given.