Emotionally Numb

There are periods of days, occasionally week(s) I'm mentally and emotionally numb, and turning 63 this week was one of the periods. While making coffee this morning which I use a 6-cup Melitta coffee maker (left), I was filling the holder, which has the filter and coffee, for the last of the coffee for the pot.

Well, after filling the holder full of hot water I turned to put the kettle back on the stove and knocked the holder over so that all the water and coffee grounds spilled on to the kitchen counter, creating a lake of coffee and grounds.

In past times I would have reacted to stop the coffee from spilling over the sides between the counter and stove and over the front of the counter to the floor and kitchen rug. Sometimes I would yell at myself in my mind, "How stupid can you be?!" Sometimes I would just get to work to clean it up.

But this morning I just stood there looking at it. I wasn't without feeling because numb is a feeling. The absence of a response is a response. And that's what I did, nothing, for minutes except to clean up the spot on my clothes from the splash. I washed the spot then went to the bathroom and used the hair dryer to dry it.

And then went back to just stand there and look at the mess. After awhile I realized it was an easy mess to clean, just move everything, get a big sponge and some paper towels, and all was done and back. I put the kettle back on to heat more water and put the holder over the pot where I added a new filter and 3 scoops of coffee.

I finished making the pot of coffee, but it just struck me I reacted by not reacting. I didn't have any emotion about what happened, not even, "Well, it happened, so let's clean it up." Just nothing, mentally and emotionally numb, and no idea when it will go away. It started over the weekend and is still lingering by my door.

And I don't have a reaction to that either.