Mental Fog

I wrote about being and feeling emotionally numb recently and after some thought when things cleared this morning I realized it's about the drug I was taking. Well not taking, then taking and so on repeating the cycle of on and off, which I write about here and which I know I should take but don't.

And that's the conundrum, taking the pills which turns my brain and thinking into a fog and my mind and emotions into mush. The drug helps the body for the changes I want but the drug also dumps the body into the couch potato catagory, crashing the metabolism into barely doing, let alone wanting to do, anything.

I've been taking this drug on and off for 6 years now and it wasn't this bad, but slowly the side effects have been getting worse with lower and lower dosage where at the minimum it's the same anymore. My body just doesn't like it and it tells me in no uncertain ways.

I stop thinking, I stop feeling and I stop being. It's a drug of choice but it's also a mandatory drug for the course of treatment to help overcome the condition I have and want to change. I'm taking the second drug in the treatment and its side effects are manageable but only at the near lowest dosage.

So in the end, the effects the drugs are supposed to make and help me change but don't work because I'm not taking high enough dosage to get the change I want and physicians require for the next steps in the treatment.

So it's a stalemate and I'm stuck in between where I hate it worse than before. I can't go back without losing some good things with the drug(s) and then hate myself for not in treatment, and I can't go forward because it causes more problems drugs can't fix.

And I can't complete the treatment, which in turn makes me wonder what all these 6 years have been about and for if I don't do what I want and don't change what I hate about myself then and now. I started the treatment with the expectation to finish in 3-4 years and it's now been 6 years.

It's where I barely started with no end in sight unless I get some other changes in the treatment which requires physicians to change their treatment plan and course. I want it, but they are bound by the treatment protocols, meaning they're also stuck in between too, wanting me to finish but can't help unless something changes.

So it's all a big fog and no one sees let alone knows what to do next. At least for now.