Nothing Left to Love

It's really very simple with me right now, there's nothing left to love about who I am, what I am and what I want to be. Nothing. The plan I had with the medication to transform my being and life is failing as I can't tolerate the medicine, my body and mind revolts.

The metabolism crashes me into a couch potato and the mind crashes into a mental fog and double depression, meaning depression on top of Dysthymia. Drop the meds and I return to being human.

The body is revolting itself from age. My TMJ is improving but it left my jaw skewed a little and my face a disaster on one side, and ugly all over from the common effects of age, as the old saying, gravity wins all bets against time.

The digestive system is getting better but only if I live on a very restrictive diet and wonder when, what and how much I eat, especially food experiments, which everyone else calls food, will react with my body and the bathroom.

The Siatic nerve isn't getting much better anymore. The lower back hurts as does the upper legs from exercise, carrying or lifting anything, or just sitting for periods of time. The front half of the right leg is still totally numb from above the knee to the ankle.

The Raynaud's Syndrome is alive and well in my fingers and toes. I also got three black toes on each foot last winter-spring from walking to and from town. They haven't gotten much better as the nails die and regrow.

And all of this means, while I'm walking farther now (4-5 miles), I'm not back to where I was over the winter (6+ miles). And my goal to return to running is just a wish as short runs causes my right leg to buckle and hurt.

Yeah, the body is revolting and fighting it takes more effort every day. But it's what I had planned that I know isn't a reality anymore, something I knew from when I was 6. It's never gone away and now may never happen, at least not yet.

I started in the fall of 2006 and expected to be done in 3-5 years. Most people start and finish in 2-3 years and most of the rest in 3-5 years. I know now what I am is what I will be unless I undergo major and expensive changes, none covered by health insurance despite being a medical condition.

So that's my reality most days and some nights when I ponder and wonder what hope is left as there is nothing left to love about me, especially by me.