Wandering Away

There are periods where I mentally wander away from life, and sometimes reality, in that I just exist, just doing the basic things of life and just being a body with a mind which is mostly numb to much beyond existing.

These periods last from a few days to a few weeks. Yes, really, sometimes weeks. This makes for periods where all the best plans get set aside and little if anything of significance gets done. This is large measure a reflection of my genetic, lifelong Dysthymia which becomes a moderate depression.

These periods have become more often and sometimes longer for the last 6 years now since I started a treatment plan for another lifelong issue where both drugs, but one in particular, cause the problems. Without the drugs, nothing happens. With the drugs, my body crashes and my mind wanders away.

I didn't fully realize this until earlier this year when I read the one drugs also excerbates digestive problems such as a bleeding small intestine, which started two years ago. I've had digestive problems for 4-plus years now with no real diagnosis or treatment.

But two years ago the symptoms changed and despite the obviousness of them the Gastroenterologist didn't want to do more tests beyond the basic ones and dismissed the symptoms and me as "age and diet", in short, "Get used to it."

And then the pinched Siactic nerve this last July changed everything again, even the digestive problem where one set of symptoms disappeared and another arose from the situation where it's hard to know what the problems are, except the the one drug which still effects things.

On top of that now the drug has gotten harder to tolerate the more or the longer I use it, to where starting late last year I started taking myself off it for weeks, even months, to get some sense of mental and physical normalcy, only to find restarting it only goes back to where it was and I go back to the mental fog and depression.

And then I have the adjustment period where the body adjusts back to something related to normal but only after other reactions or side effects, but always continuing the depression even after the mental fog clears, to where I want to get things done but just don't feel the interest or energy.

And that's where I'm at right now, waiting while my body comes back out of the withdrawl symptoms and my mind finds itself again, and until then not much is done. I restarted it in late August for a just over a week but quit when I was forgetting things and losing interest in doing anything.

Now, it's just wait and see what happens.