Some people act out the hate they have for themself, and some people don't. It doesn't change the hate, only the expression of it. For some it's all kept inside their mind, oblivious to everyone else, and for some it's taken out on their body, obvious to those who see.
Invisible or not, it doesn't change the hate, only how the war against the hate is fought and the daily fight to stay sane, and not lose the war within themself. They know losing makes hate the winner and the outcome becomes their reality.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Now
Now in my later years I realize I'll never be who I know I am inside. All the time and medical science can't change the reality of my body as I was given and I am. And the best I can do is find something somewhere on the road to who I know I am inside. That is all I can do now in my life. And only if I try.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Not Eating
I've struggled with food and eating, mostly digestive issues starting 30 years ago but getting worse over the last 5 years and more so the last 2 years. The list of foods I can eat now can be written on a 4x6 postit note with room for doodles.
But what I've learned over this years trying to find a workable diet and still have food experiment days, usually producing an adverse reaction, is that I only feel good when I don't eat. I'm always hungry now because I eat snack 4-6 times a day which I'm trying to reduce to 2-3 times a day.
Anyway, I've discovered how food effects my mental and emotional being. Like that's new or news to anyone, but hey, it is to me. And because I can't eat if I plan a trip for most if not the whole day and live on coffee and protein drinks and snacks, I've learned those are the days I feel my best.
My best mentally and emotionally. I don't know why, I'm open to suggestions, but it's made looking at food and eating differently where I'm learning only to eat when I want to eat and only eat enough to enjoy the taste and stop feeling hungry.
I've learned there's a fine line between that good feeling and feeling hungry. Feeling hungry changes things where I need to eat just one small thing, hence those little protein snacks normally used for exercise or hiking.
Anyway, I just thought it's interesting. Some people live for and around food as their mental and emotional fuel. Some don't, eating simply to sustain themselves and occasionally for enjoyment, usually with friends, over discussions, etc.
I've found food and eating the total opposite, my enemy and leaving it alone is the only time I feel good.
But what I've learned over this years trying to find a workable diet and still have food experiment days, usually producing an adverse reaction, is that I only feel good when I don't eat. I'm always hungry now because I eat snack 4-6 times a day which I'm trying to reduce to 2-3 times a day.
Anyway, I've discovered how food effects my mental and emotional being. Like that's new or news to anyone, but hey, it is to me. And because I can't eat if I plan a trip for most if not the whole day and live on coffee and protein drinks and snacks, I've learned those are the days I feel my best.
My best mentally and emotionally. I don't know why, I'm open to suggestions, but it's made looking at food and eating differently where I'm learning only to eat when I want to eat and only eat enough to enjoy the taste and stop feeling hungry.
I've learned there's a fine line between that good feeling and feeling hungry. Feeling hungry changes things where I need to eat just one small thing, hence those little protein snacks normally used for exercise or hiking.
Anyway, I just thought it's interesting. Some people live for and around food as their mental and emotional fuel. Some don't, eating simply to sustain themselves and occasionally for enjoyment, usually with friends, over discussions, etc.
I've found food and eating the total opposite, my enemy and leaving it alone is the only time I feel good.
Monday, November 26, 2012
I Know
I know I have a lot to do. A lot of immediate stuff to do, a lot of more that takes more than a few days to do, and a lot more that will be months to do, and even some stuff long scheduled for the coming years.
I know because it sits there ready to do. I know because I should be doing it. I know because it won't be done by anyone else.
I know, but I just don't want to do it. I know that too. I know both and don't have an answer for either.
I know because it sits there ready to do. I know because I should be doing it. I know because it won't be done by anyone else.
I know, but I just don't want to do it. I know that too. I know both and don't have an answer for either.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
What It's Not
It's not so much what we think of ourself, it's the fear of what we think others see and think of us. That is what we most hate about ourself, our own imagination of ourself seen by others in our mind through our eyes. Some never think about it, many fuss over it, and some hate ourself for it.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
A Life
I can't wish for a life I didn't have for the obvious reason I didn't have and couldn't have it, but it doesn't stop me from wishing I had a life I didn't have. Wishing and reality can coexist without contradiction or conflict, just two thoughts and feelings simultaneously being one, the life I am and a life I wish I had.
Friday, November 9, 2012
What's Not Understood
I've read a lot of personal and blogers' Websites where they talk about being happy or finding happiness when you're down, even depressed. They always seem to think that it's all a mental and an emotional thing you can just change or "snap out of" if you try.
As I always say to them, "Yeah, right." What they don't understand or bother to consider is that for some people that's not possible because in some people their brain isn't hardwired to feel anything more than an occasional moment of happiness or any of its relative feelings.
People who have genetic, or lifelong, Dysthymia don't have the rewards center of their brain of other people. I'd say normal brain but normal is relative and these people aren't abnormal, just normal in their own way and right.
Their brains, like mine, doesn't respond to signals which we attribute to happiness. It's why they don't feel the high that drugs, alcohol, etc, other feel. Their brains need a constant input of endorphins and other natural chemicals just to have some sense of feeling good.
But often that isn't happening. It's why they see the negative side of the world, whether the greater world or their own world, the negative side of situations, and the negative side of their own life. Their natural reaction is to see and focus on the negative and about themself.
The positive side is only seen when they have exhausted all the negative side to see, know and understand it's not them, but just the situation and conditions they're in at the time. Then they can see some positive signs and light to feel a little happy.
And that's the hardest thing they do at times, just exist without instinctively plunging into the depths of being negative and feeling depressed. Treading mental water is hard work, sometimes the hardest thing they do some days.
And to tell them to get over it is totally stupid and dumb, and only makes them feel worse because they can't simply do that. It takes a lot of time, energy and discipline, often rare commodities to them. They need friends who know that and find ways to be there quietly and gently nudge them away from falling into depression.
And friends will often discover they already know that and already know what others will try to do to help, knowing these people mean well, but also knowing, for the most part, they're wasting their time on you.
These people often know the signs things aren't going well mentally and emotionally and often know how to combat them to either avoid falling faster or finding ways to stablize themselves when and where they can start to feel better.
For me the signs are not wanting to go anywhere except if I have to go, not laughing or thinking about humorous ideas, not being spontaneous and silly-stupid, and not listening to music, lots of music. And most of all not exercising.
I can't run since my pinched Siatic nerve left the front of my right leg numb from above the knee to the ankle. It buckles under stress of runing, lifting, etc. I reverted to walking long distances, like 5-6 miles a few times a week. This helped some but often not enough.
What I haven't needed are friends, my therapist, and others who tell me what to do or what to think. I need them to smile and ask me questions which makes me think about it and what I'm thinking. And that's the key, being funny and making me smile.
And change doesn't come from others. It comes from the person thinking and feeling about themselves. The others and the world provides clues and ideas, but the solution is found within the person, in their own way and in their own time.
Even then, though, it will always be a measured or an incremental change and will always reach a point for their own sense of happiness, not other people's idea of happiness. We know it's all relative and we'll take and keep what sustains us and prevents us from falling into depression, again.
That's what they don't undestand. Now if they cared enough to remember it.
As I always say to them, "Yeah, right." What they don't understand or bother to consider is that for some people that's not possible because in some people their brain isn't hardwired to feel anything more than an occasional moment of happiness or any of its relative feelings.
People who have genetic, or lifelong, Dysthymia don't have the rewards center of their brain of other people. I'd say normal brain but normal is relative and these people aren't abnormal, just normal in their own way and right.
Their brains, like mine, doesn't respond to signals which we attribute to happiness. It's why they don't feel the high that drugs, alcohol, etc, other feel. Their brains need a constant input of endorphins and other natural chemicals just to have some sense of feeling good.
But often that isn't happening. It's why they see the negative side of the world, whether the greater world or their own world, the negative side of situations, and the negative side of their own life. Their natural reaction is to see and focus on the negative and about themself.
The positive side is only seen when they have exhausted all the negative side to see, know and understand it's not them, but just the situation and conditions they're in at the time. Then they can see some positive signs and light to feel a little happy.
And that's the hardest thing they do at times, just exist without instinctively plunging into the depths of being negative and feeling depressed. Treading mental water is hard work, sometimes the hardest thing they do some days.
And to tell them to get over it is totally stupid and dumb, and only makes them feel worse because they can't simply do that. It takes a lot of time, energy and discipline, often rare commodities to them. They need friends who know that and find ways to be there quietly and gently nudge them away from falling into depression.
And friends will often discover they already know that and already know what others will try to do to help, knowing these people mean well, but also knowing, for the most part, they're wasting their time on you.
These people often know the signs things aren't going well mentally and emotionally and often know how to combat them to either avoid falling faster or finding ways to stablize themselves when and where they can start to feel better.
For me the signs are not wanting to go anywhere except if I have to go, not laughing or thinking about humorous ideas, not being spontaneous and silly-stupid, and not listening to music, lots of music. And most of all not exercising.
I can't run since my pinched Siatic nerve left the front of my right leg numb from above the knee to the ankle. It buckles under stress of runing, lifting, etc. I reverted to walking long distances, like 5-6 miles a few times a week. This helped some but often not enough.
What I haven't needed are friends, my therapist, and others who tell me what to do or what to think. I need them to smile and ask me questions which makes me think about it and what I'm thinking. And that's the key, being funny and making me smile.
And change doesn't come from others. It comes from the person thinking and feeling about themselves. The others and the world provides clues and ideas, but the solution is found within the person, in their own way and in their own time.
Even then, though, it will always be a measured or an incremental change and will always reach a point for their own sense of happiness, not other people's idea of happiness. We know it's all relative and we'll take and keep what sustains us and prevents us from falling into depression, again.
That's what they don't undestand. Now if they cared enough to remember it.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Fear
Fear is the reason we don't do a lot of things. Fear is what keeps us from doing what we know we should, what we know we could and what we know is better for us if we started, and especially if we did, what we feared.
Fear is what always stands between us and that. Fear is what people tell us isn't real and we can and will overcome fear if we try. But we know better. Better because we know fear never goes away, it only changes if we do what we want.
Fear is what people tell us it doesn't matter. Fear is what we know does matter. Fear is what restrains us and fear is what can free us. Fear is what it is fear. To dismiss it is foolish. To live it is equally foolish. To embrace it gives life.
Life gives fear a place, not as a state of mind which inhibits your thinking but as a feeling you can control knowing it's there without reacting to it. Life lets you recognize and acknowledge it and then put it where it belongs, just a feeling you can live with.
Fear is what always stands between us and that. Fear is what people tell us isn't real and we can and will overcome fear if we try. But we know better. Better because we know fear never goes away, it only changes if we do what we want.
Fear is what people tell us it doesn't matter. Fear is what we know does matter. Fear is what restrains us and fear is what can free us. Fear is what it is fear. To dismiss it is foolish. To live it is equally foolish. To embrace it gives life.
Life gives fear a place, not as a state of mind which inhibits your thinking but as a feeling you can control knowing it's there without reacting to it. Life lets you recognize and acknowledge it and then put it where it belongs, just a feeling you can live with.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Outcast
When standing in a crowd invisible to everyone around, why do we feel like the one outcast everyone hates and everyone ignores. Why do we feel we are the only one who is totally alone among everyone? Why do we feel we can't reach out let alone ask for help without feeling afraid we're imposing on anyone?
There is a fine line between the feeling of aloneness and loneliness. There is a fine line between the feeling of independence and dependence. There is a fine line between being and being an outcast.
There is a fine line between the feeling of aloneness and loneliness. There is a fine line between the feeling of independence and dependence. There is a fine line between being and being an outcast.
Failure
When you have every reason to fail, every reason to see yourself as a failure, and every reason to see there isn't even the smallest chance of success, it's time to take a break, to step back and mentally and emotionally tread water.
It's time to do nothing, to simply find yourself an neutral space to just survive for awhile, until you find or see something to make you rethink yourself and your reality. Like watching a full moon rise through the clouds in the night.
And know the world is bigger than your thoughts, your feelings and your sense of failure. Which is what I'm doing now. Yes, it's real as the night, the moon rising over the southeastern horizon and me. And hopefully find some sleep to start anew in the morning.
It's time to do nothing, to simply find yourself an neutral space to just survive for awhile, until you find or see something to make you rethink yourself and your reality. Like watching a full moon rise through the clouds in the night.
And know the world is bigger than your thoughts, your feelings and your sense of failure. Which is what I'm doing now. Yes, it's real as the night, the moon rising over the southeastern horizon and me. And hopefully find some sleep to start anew in the morning.
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