I wish endorphins would work for me. All the years I've been running, hiking and now walking I rarely get any of what people call the "runner's high" from the endorphins produced from being active, especially from exercise.
Endorphins in my brain are like dumping the largest freighter in the world full of salt into the ocean, nothing happens. And what's worse is that all the medical Websites I read about endorphins, more specifically endorphin deficiency, I'm doing everything they tell or sell me which is supposed to help.
I've long come to the conclusion something is wrong to or in the part of by brain where endorphins are supposed to work. And now having walked about 1,600 miles this year, I still feel about the same emotionally and mentally as I did this time last year, with one exception.
The exception is that I don't think of death and dying. I've stopped thinking of that and actually found moments I felt mildly better, but nothing close to what endorphins are supposed to do to improve one's mental and emotional well-being.
What's worse is that a drug I was taking for two years for another condition which supposedly had the side effect of alleviating depression actually worsened my Dysthymia into depression and exacerbated a condition which causes the small intestine to bleed.
What I've slowly lost is my interest and motivation is what I love, photography, Mt. Rainier NP and just living quietly in the community where I live. I had it before I pinched my Sciatic nerve in July 2012 and while it's slowly coming back as I walk and the nerve heals, it's hasn't been enough.
What's interesting is that losing the weight, now about 25 lbs (190 to 164) has helped me feel better about my body which I had long hated for being fat, some genetic, some from being less active for periods and some from the drugs I was taking for another condition.
That's the good news, to sustain an exercise program for a long time, a year now for me with another year or so to go. Walking has become somewhat addictive where I miss the days I don't walk, even the days walking is tiresome, the body or legs hurts and the weather sucks (hot or cold).
Through it all, I'd love to have some endorphins. Moments aren't enough anymore and drugs aren't the answer. I've learned that from other drugs, my body hates them and reacts adversely, mostly depression followed by becoming a couch potato and getting fat again.
Yeah, that spiral into the depths. I've been there too often including serious thoughts of suicide with one almost successful atttempt and I won't go there again. I just wish endorphins worked on me.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Conclusion
After all the miles I've walked, the nearly 25 lbs I've lost, and slowly finding the body I knew existed under the fat, when the endorphins should have and would have made me feel good about myself and happy about what I've accomplished, I don't.
I've long come to the conclusion one of two things don't work in my brain. Simply, it's almost impossible for me to feel let alone be happy for more than a moment, which leaves me thinking either the connections to the rewards center in my brain barely works or the rewards center itself doesn't work.
I know I can stuff all the drugs into my brain I want into it and nothing really changes. I also know that some drugs which are supposed to improve a person's outlook doesn't improve mine. I don't take anti-depressants because the side effects are worse than the drug's effect.
It's like walking on a narrow ridge between a beautiful valley and a deep, dark crevasse. When drugs are supposed to push you into the valley, they push me into the crevasse, and only not taking them makes me feel better, at least back to standing on the ridge.
Even a few years ago when I ran 15-20 miles a week, I rarely felt the endorphins I knew were there but didn't work. Even when I was taking a drugs for another condition, it made me feel worse and I had to stop which effectively stopped the changes the drugs was supposed to make.
I don't have answers for this outside of just remembering the few moments I feel good about myself and happy about my life. One like this morning when standing in the kitchen my body felt good from all the miles of walking, but then almost immediately told me I had many more miles to go.
All I know now is to keep walking, 5 to 6 days a week for 40-50 miles a week, in hopes of resuming running later next spring and hiking next summer or fall. And during this work there will be moments, hopefully more than a few, I'll feel happy.
The point here is that people who tell you happiness is a choice are full of shit, only because they have a false sense of happiness and a wrong definition of what it means to feel and be happy. They're simply ignorant of the reality of people.
But they sell this shit so people chase answers in drugs, therapy, whatever, trying to find happiness without realizing it's innately in them, if only in the smallest amounts or few moments, but happiness is hard work for some people.
It is partly why I walk, despite the weather, even because of the weather, I go out the door and walk 8 miles, to get fitter than I am now and to feel better than I am now. It's a choice I make, don't walk and I know how I feel, walk and I know I will change.
And maybe along the walks the moments will be more often and maybe longer. That's all I can hope for now, that the endorphins will work a little more and a little better.
I've long come to the conclusion one of two things don't work in my brain. Simply, it's almost impossible for me to feel let alone be happy for more than a moment, which leaves me thinking either the connections to the rewards center in my brain barely works or the rewards center itself doesn't work.
I know I can stuff all the drugs into my brain I want into it and nothing really changes. I also know that some drugs which are supposed to improve a person's outlook doesn't improve mine. I don't take anti-depressants because the side effects are worse than the drug's effect.
It's like walking on a narrow ridge between a beautiful valley and a deep, dark crevasse. When drugs are supposed to push you into the valley, they push me into the crevasse, and only not taking them makes me feel better, at least back to standing on the ridge.
Even a few years ago when I ran 15-20 miles a week, I rarely felt the endorphins I knew were there but didn't work. Even when I was taking a drugs for another condition, it made me feel worse and I had to stop which effectively stopped the changes the drugs was supposed to make.
I don't have answers for this outside of just remembering the few moments I feel good about myself and happy about my life. One like this morning when standing in the kitchen my body felt good from all the miles of walking, but then almost immediately told me I had many more miles to go.
All I know now is to keep walking, 5 to 6 days a week for 40-50 miles a week, in hopes of resuming running later next spring and hiking next summer or fall. And during this work there will be moments, hopefully more than a few, I'll feel happy.
The point here is that people who tell you happiness is a choice are full of shit, only because they have a false sense of happiness and a wrong definition of what it means to feel and be happy. They're simply ignorant of the reality of people.
But they sell this shit so people chase answers in drugs, therapy, whatever, trying to find happiness without realizing it's innately in them, if only in the smallest amounts or few moments, but happiness is hard work for some people.
It is partly why I walk, despite the weather, even because of the weather, I go out the door and walk 8 miles, to get fitter than I am now and to feel better than I am now. It's a choice I make, don't walk and I know how I feel, walk and I know I will change.
And maybe along the walks the moments will be more often and maybe longer. That's all I can hope for now, that the endorphins will work a little more and a little better.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Something Different
Well, I haven't posted here in about 3 months. Not because the depression and thoughts haven't come and gone but I've been walking a lot, see blog about my life and recent walking. It's been because the more I walk the less I think of death and dying.
The thoughts and interest to live haven't fully grabbed me yet, the endorphins take a lot time and exercise before the rewards center of my brain reacts and doesn't really fully take hold to make me feel happy about myself and my life for more than moments.
That's what Dysthymia does, overwhelm your mind so everything else is always a fight, and walking has renewed that fight where I don't think about dying anymore. It's a long, slow process to walk away from depression and every day is a struggle.
And that's where walking is the antidote. For 8 miles 5-6 days a week I have to focus on walking along the rural roads where I live. Every day and every walk is different. The weather is always different for the whole 2-plus hours.
The body and especially the legs don't feel or work the same, and the sense and mind can just open itself to everything from feeling the earth under my shoes, the wind, the rain, the trees, and the scenery, everything before me.
And it takes the mind away from death and dying. Even the times in places I find almost complete silence where I stop for a short time and just take it all in, and even then I sometimes think that if I wasn't there, no one would know or care.
But it's just a feeling I find somewhat joyful as it's complete freedom. Freedom from death and dying. And then I walk on.
The thoughts and interest to live haven't fully grabbed me yet, the endorphins take a lot time and exercise before the rewards center of my brain reacts and doesn't really fully take hold to make me feel happy about myself and my life for more than moments.
That's what Dysthymia does, overwhelm your mind so everything else is always a fight, and walking has renewed that fight where I don't think about dying anymore. It's a long, slow process to walk away from depression and every day is a struggle.
And that's where walking is the antidote. For 8 miles 5-6 days a week I have to focus on walking along the rural roads where I live. Every day and every walk is different. The weather is always different for the whole 2-plus hours.
The body and especially the legs don't feel or work the same, and the sense and mind can just open itself to everything from feeling the earth under my shoes, the wind, the rain, the trees, and the scenery, everything before me.
And it takes the mind away from death and dying. Even the times in places I find almost complete silence where I stop for a short time and just take it all in, and even then I sometimes think that if I wasn't there, no one would know or care.
But it's just a feeling I find somewhat joyful as it's complete freedom. Freedom from death and dying. And then I walk on.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Food as drugs
Food for me is like prescription drugs for others. If you stay on your drug regime the drugs work and you are, at least, better than being off drugs. If I stay on my limited diet my digestive system works and behaves itself most of the time.
But then every now and then I get hungry and have food experiment meals, some I know from past experiences aren't good and produce adverse reactions, and some I don't know because it's been too long ago when I last ate them.
And almost always, the reactions aren't good for 2-3 days minimum and sometimes 3-5 days and even a week. And yet I keep trying foods I know may or will make me sick. Like drugs for some, my diet is my drug to be normal.
And I hate it, not to eat like everyone else, to read a menu or stand before a gourment deli counter knowing everything is bad for me, and to know food is the enemy of my body. I hate it sucks and I hate myself along with it.
But then every now and then I get hungry and have food experiment meals, some I know from past experiences aren't good and produce adverse reactions, and some I don't know because it's been too long ago when I last ate them.
And almost always, the reactions aren't good for 2-3 days minimum and sometimes 3-5 days and even a week. And yet I keep trying foods I know may or will make me sick. Like drugs for some, my diet is my drug to be normal.
And I hate it, not to eat like everyone else, to read a menu or stand before a gourment deli counter knowing everything is bad for me, and to know food is the enemy of my body. I hate it sucks and I hate myself along with it.
I'm Lucky
In a sense I'm lucky. Not that I want these conditions, but if it weren't for the fact I have Syncope, fainting at the sight of blood, I would cut all the fat from my body, and if it weren't for the fact I get sick and faint when I throwup, I'd be bulimic. Instead I'm just fat and I hate my body.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Famous Blue Raincoat
"…, and thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes,
I thought it was there for good so I never tried."
- Leonard Cohen
I thought it was there for good so I never tried."
- Leonard Cohen
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Nothing
There is nothing like the feeling after you've completely exhausted yourself and all the thoughts and feelings about something and feel totally drained, void of any energy, feeling or thoughts. You are empty of everything, even yourself.
You are nothing for that moment before everything comes back to remind you of reality and your life. But for a moment there was nothing like that moment of total silence with yourself.
You are nothing for that moment before everything comes back to remind you of reality and your life. But for a moment there was nothing like that moment of total silence with yourself.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Self-Centered
People have always thought that being self-centered made a person who is considered arrogant and not worthy of consideration, let alone being a friend. But it's not always true and you have to determine the source and cause of their self-centeredness.
This is because some people, by their very nature, their innate sense of being, are introverted, introspective and prefer being alone. Most of the time they are concerned about themselves because it's who they are and how they see themselves.
They aren't self-centered for attention, for control, for power or other reasons or purposes we often see and attribute to self-centered people who have strong personalities and demand to be the center of attention, the person always in control, etc.
They are the exact opposite. They are in their own world and they don't want to be the center of anything except themselves, so they seem self-centered, but it's just how the get through the world and deal with people.
They often seem to be unsocial or even anti-social, and people often treat them accordingly, and sometimes angrily if not badly, but it's wrong to do so as it only makes them feel worse about themselves and want to go back into and stay in their own world.
They can be great friends, just not necessarily openly or socially, and always there when you need them, just give them their space and time, and don't abuse it or overuse it. They'll just walk away and go back into their own world.
So being self-centered is relative to their personality and you should take the time to distinguish between the obvious, attention-seeking self-centered people and those who say from attention and are just private people.
The former are overtly and overly extroverts and the latter is the opposite. Know the difference for the former make bad friends and the latter could be your best friend.
This is because some people, by their very nature, their innate sense of being, are introverted, introspective and prefer being alone. Most of the time they are concerned about themselves because it's who they are and how they see themselves.
They aren't self-centered for attention, for control, for power or other reasons or purposes we often see and attribute to self-centered people who have strong personalities and demand to be the center of attention, the person always in control, etc.
They are the exact opposite. They are in their own world and they don't want to be the center of anything except themselves, so they seem self-centered, but it's just how the get through the world and deal with people.
They often seem to be unsocial or even anti-social, and people often treat them accordingly, and sometimes angrily if not badly, but it's wrong to do so as it only makes them feel worse about themselves and want to go back into and stay in their own world.
They can be great friends, just not necessarily openly or socially, and always there when you need them, just give them their space and time, and don't abuse it or overuse it. They'll just walk away and go back into their own world.
So being self-centered is relative to their personality and you should take the time to distinguish between the obvious, attention-seeking self-centered people and those who say from attention and are just private people.
The former are overtly and overly extroverts and the latter is the opposite. Know the difference for the former make bad friends and the latter could be your best friend.
The Two
I was diagnosed with genetic, life-long Dysthymia in the early 1990's in between my brother death in August 1991 from a heart attack (his second) at the age of 43 and my father's death from natural causes in November 1994.
It was considered genetic since there is a history of mild depression in the family on my father side and lifelong because the symptoms first appeared as a child. I prefered to be alone in my own world it was the only place I was safe from being bullied.
What I have learned since the diagnosis is that the rewards center of my brain doesn't work normally. It barely works at all because I rarely feel happy for more than a few moments, drugs don't work and efforts by others to make me happy never succeed.
I often wondered if the failure of the rewards center of my brain is the center itself or the brain failing to activate it, or a combination of the two. I often wonder if the failure is a symtom of Dysthymia and the condition is truly a physical problem of the brain and not just not trying hard enough to be happy.
I think this because all the efforts to find some measure of happiness, however small, is always mild and fleeting, and my mind quickly goes back to reality and sometime the negative side. It's my normal, instinctive, innate reaction and perception of life and the world.
When they say depression is just a temporary psychological issue, it might be true for some people and their brain can get through the depression, but for some people, like me, it's not true because our brains are hardwired for it and all the effort through therapy, treatment, drugs, etc. never work or lasts.
When they say depression isn't good, it's not true. It's two things of the things we are. Normal as anyone else. Just different in how we see the world.
It was considered genetic since there is a history of mild depression in the family on my father side and lifelong because the symptoms first appeared as a child. I prefered to be alone in my own world it was the only place I was safe from being bullied.
What I have learned since the diagnosis is that the rewards center of my brain doesn't work normally. It barely works at all because I rarely feel happy for more than a few moments, drugs don't work and efforts by others to make me happy never succeed.
I often wondered if the failure of the rewards center of my brain is the center itself or the brain failing to activate it, or a combination of the two. I often wonder if the failure is a symtom of Dysthymia and the condition is truly a physical problem of the brain and not just not trying hard enough to be happy.
I think this because all the efforts to find some measure of happiness, however small, is always mild and fleeting, and my mind quickly goes back to reality and sometime the negative side. It's my normal, instinctive, innate reaction and perception of life and the world.
When they say depression is just a temporary psychological issue, it might be true for some people and their brain can get through the depression, but for some people, like me, it's not true because our brains are hardwired for it and all the effort through therapy, treatment, drugs, etc. never work or lasts.
When they say depression isn't good, it's not true. It's two things of the things we are. Normal as anyone else. Just different in how we see the world.
Naps
Several days a week I take an afternoon nap. Sometime between about 1 and 3 pm I lie down on my really comfy futon pillow couch, which is just long enough to stretch out with my head on the pillow, and take a naps for anywhere from 10-15 minutes to 30 minutes or more and occasionally most of an hour.
What's curious though is that I don't think of death when I lie down, I always think of just taking a nap, sleeping to relax. But when I come out of the nap a thought often pervades my mind. Death. I think what if when I fell asleep during the nap I never woke up.
I think that I would never know what happened. Everything I was, everything I knew, everything I experienced would just be gone from life, from this world, and no one would ever know, but just my body lying on the couch.
I think that waking up is sometimes the best thing I do that day. Death didn't take me during my nap. But who knows when someday I'll lie down to take a nap and it will be the last thing I do.
What's curious though is that I don't think of death when I lie down, I always think of just taking a nap, sleeping to relax. But when I come out of the nap a thought often pervades my mind. Death. I think what if when I fell asleep during the nap I never woke up.
I think that I would never know what happened. Everything I was, everything I knew, everything I experienced would just be gone from life, from this world, and no one would ever know, but just my body lying on the couch.
I think that waking up is sometimes the best thing I do that day. Death didn't take me during my nap. But who knows when someday I'll lie down to take a nap and it will be the last thing I do.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Falling Until I Stop
When my Dysthymia worsens into depression I describe it as falling into a deep (dry) well where I just keep falling bouncing off the sides, struggling to find a place to grab or put my foot, but always just falling. Falling until I stop.
And when I stop I sit down and become silent, taking the darkness, the mental and emotional emptiness of the space and time, noting that looking up is still only darkness, no light, even in the farthest distance above me.
And there I sit, mentally, for days, often weeks, on end, sometimes months and occasionally a year or more, just treading life to get by, disguising it at work, with family and friends, and struggling with myself to find a way up and out.
And there I sit, in the quiet darkness, not feeling, not thinking, not anything but striving for emptiness, for all my feelings and thoughts are disasterous and dangerous. Alone in the darkness, the light from the opening in the well abov me long vanquished by the darkness.
All I have are my thoughts and feelings to survive in life and struggle to find an answer. Eventually I find the mental energy to do small things and slowly reclaim the everyday things of my life, and then eventually the bigger things.
I climb out of the well into the light, into life itself. But I'm never far from the well and never safe from falling again until I stop. It's alway a reality pushing against any mental thoughts or feelings for the good because there is comfort in the bottom of the well.
In the darkness I often find better insight into what I want to do, how I really feel about life and what I think of myself. Sometimes there is a clarity in the darkness you don't find elsewhere when and where the mind is free to roam into place the light and life won't let it.
So it's often a fight to find comfort whether in the light or darkness. It just depends which is better, struggling with life, falling into the well or sitting in the darkness. Which is better when and where I am.
And when I stop I sit down and become silent, taking the darkness, the mental and emotional emptiness of the space and time, noting that looking up is still only darkness, no light, even in the farthest distance above me.
And there I sit, mentally, for days, often weeks, on end, sometimes months and occasionally a year or more, just treading life to get by, disguising it at work, with family and friends, and struggling with myself to find a way up and out.
And there I sit, in the quiet darkness, not feeling, not thinking, not anything but striving for emptiness, for all my feelings and thoughts are disasterous and dangerous. Alone in the darkness, the light from the opening in the well abov me long vanquished by the darkness.
All I have are my thoughts and feelings to survive in life and struggle to find an answer. Eventually I find the mental energy to do small things and slowly reclaim the everyday things of my life, and then eventually the bigger things.
I climb out of the well into the light, into life itself. But I'm never far from the well and never safe from falling again until I stop. It's alway a reality pushing against any mental thoughts or feelings for the good because there is comfort in the bottom of the well.
In the darkness I often find better insight into what I want to do, how I really feel about life and what I think of myself. Sometimes there is a clarity in the darkness you don't find elsewhere when and where the mind is free to roam into place the light and life won't let it.
So it's often a fight to find comfort whether in the light or darkness. It just depends which is better, struggling with life, falling into the well or sitting in the darkness. Which is better when and where I am.
Things of Late
I've written about walking with a pinched Sciatic nerve which seems to be slowly and incrementally healing albeit with short periods of being moderately worse from too much work or exercise, mostly lifting or going up and down stair a lot (I live on the 3rd floor).
Anyway, I noticed that after increasing the distance to 8 miles my Dysthymia got worse because I'm physically tired more after walking and struggle to do much for the rest of the day. I'm not entirely sure the two are related but it's not just a coincidence.
I haven't figured out if knowing you're mild to moderately depressed, meaning knowing the signs and seeing them in how you think and feel and what you do or do not do, qualifies that you're depressed as any professional would prescribe therapy or drugs.
I've always worked through these periods and while some last more than a few weeks, some even a few months or longer, I expect I'll come around as there are short periods during some days I feel ok and even briefly good.
Anyway, that's the news, good or bad as it is. I won't stop walking as it's my only choice to get better physically. I've achieved my initial goal of walking 2 hours, which now is just over that since I walk at a 15-16 minute per mile pace, so I've leveled off the distance until the body catches up to find this distance is too easy, which it's not most days.
For now, mentally I'm just treading water and getting through life until it comes around. I'm taking occasional days off from walking for errands and life which helps, so I'm slowly getting better while living with the mental rollercoaster.
Sometime life is like that and the best we can do is hang on.
Anyway, I noticed that after increasing the distance to 8 miles my Dysthymia got worse because I'm physically tired more after walking and struggle to do much for the rest of the day. I'm not entirely sure the two are related but it's not just a coincidence.
I haven't figured out if knowing you're mild to moderately depressed, meaning knowing the signs and seeing them in how you think and feel and what you do or do not do, qualifies that you're depressed as any professional would prescribe therapy or drugs.
I've always worked through these periods and while some last more than a few weeks, some even a few months or longer, I expect I'll come around as there are short periods during some days I feel ok and even briefly good.
Anyway, that's the news, good or bad as it is. I won't stop walking as it's my only choice to get better physically. I've achieved my initial goal of walking 2 hours, which now is just over that since I walk at a 15-16 minute per mile pace, so I've leveled off the distance until the body catches up to find this distance is too easy, which it's not most days.
For now, mentally I'm just treading water and getting through life until it comes around. I'm taking occasional days off from walking for errands and life which helps, so I'm slowly getting better while living with the mental rollercoaster.
Sometime life is like that and the best we can do is hang on.
Don't Mistake
Not all depression is mental problem or issue, but many times there is a physical basis for the appearance of depression, some in the body, some in the brain, and mostly a combination of the two as the body makes a person physically tired which in turns makes them mentally tired.
My point? Don't mistake depression as a mental problem or issue with the person. They could be sick, ill, tired, etc., or simply reacting to their environment, pressure from work, overwhelmed with the world demanding their attention, decisions and actions.
If you get to ask questions, ask about their life, their health, their fitness, etc. and all the problems in the life. Just let them talk and only ask questions to understand more about the problems they have. Let them talk about their life which is often where everything starts.
Depression is a reaction, a response to the world around them, and if they're not physically well for a variety of reasons, then they will be depressed, so address those issues and problems if they ask and want your help.
Otherwise, don't think they're depressed because they mentally sick and try to treat them yourself. That's the last thing they need or want, to be labelled and called mentally sick. Leave it out of the discussion unless they ask you.
My point? Don't mistake depression as a mental problem or issue with the person. They could be sick, ill, tired, etc., or simply reacting to their environment, pressure from work, overwhelmed with the world demanding their attention, decisions and actions.
If you get to ask questions, ask about their life, their health, their fitness, etc. and all the problems in the life. Just let them talk and only ask questions to understand more about the problems they have. Let them talk about their life which is often where everything starts.
Depression is a reaction, a response to the world around them, and if they're not physically well for a variety of reasons, then they will be depressed, so address those issues and problems if they ask and want your help.
Otherwise, don't think they're depressed because they mentally sick and try to treat them yourself. That's the last thing they need or want, to be labelled and called mentally sick. Leave it out of the discussion unless they ask you.
Friday, May 24, 2013
How are you doing
"How are you doing."
"I'm ok. Why do you ask?"
"You don't look ok."
"I've never looked ok, but it doesn't change how I feel."
"Yeah, but you don't even look ok for you."
"Ok is relative anymore."
"Anymore? Since when?"
"Since I was born. Looks are deceiving."
"Now you tell me. So you're always ok no matter how you look?"
"No, it depends on how I feel."
"And how would I know by looking at you?"
"You can't, that's why you ask me."
"Oh. Ok. So, how are you doing?"
"I'm ok. Why do you ask?"
"I'm ok. Why do you ask?"
"You don't look ok."
"I've never looked ok, but it doesn't change how I feel."
"Yeah, but you don't even look ok for you."
"Ok is relative anymore."
"Anymore? Since when?"
"Since I was born. Looks are deceiving."
"Now you tell me. So you're always ok no matter how you look?"
"No, it depends on how I feel."
"And how would I know by looking at you?"
"You can't, that's why you ask me."
"Oh. Ok. So, how are you doing?"
"I'm ok. Why do you ask?"
Saturday, April 13, 2013
There will be a moment
There will be a moment in your life when all the thoughts or feelings you had you would die weren't true but this one moment is true. What do you tell yourself then?
Why is it
Why is it that you can be having an ok day, maybe even a good day, and better still a great day, and then one small thing, one small event, something you see or hear which triggers a momentary thought that spreads through you thoughts and feeling overwhelming everything else where you just want to collapse right there, even want to hide from the world in the darkness of a room, and the rest of your day is gone, absorbed completely by that one momentary thought which just through happenstance happened when the right events happened in the right situation under the right circumstances to destroy your whole sense of yourself, your whole being, you, gone in a momentary lapse of reason?
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Cheer up
Cheer up. There's always someone better off and someone worse off than you. So why do I always look at the ones better them me and feel like I'm the one at the end of the line of the worse off?
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Personal Affairs
The reason I procrastinate and don't get my personal affairs in order like everyone tells you is that if I got them in order, then I know I could die and no one would wonder what I wanted. They would know.
If I don't get my affairs in order, then I know it's something I have to do before I die and I won't die until I get them in order. Very bad and stupid logic, but it works for me, or so I think, and more so I hope.
If I don't get my affairs in order, then I know it's something I have to do before I die and I won't die until I get them in order. Very bad and stupid logic, but it works for me, or so I think, and more so I hope.
There are days
There are days when I'm so tired, tired of the problems I have with age, my health and fitness, and my finances, tired of my life plans are failing, and just tired of myself and life, I know why I don't own a gun.
I wouldn't use it, ever, because I know there always is tomorrow when I might feel different and things may change if only a little more for the better. It's not me to do that, but it's still partly the reason I don't own a gun.
Sometimes even your own momentary thoughts are dangerous to yourself.
I wouldn't use it, ever, because I know there always is tomorrow when I might feel different and things may change if only a little more for the better. It's not me to do that, but it's still partly the reason I don't own a gun.
Sometimes even your own momentary thoughts are dangerous to yourself.
Monday, March 11, 2013
The Right to Choose
In the US we regard the right of the individual as a cornerstone of our human rights, the right of the individual to choose whatever is available and along with it comes the responsibility of their choice and the consequences from that choice.
So why is that right not a right, not ever a privilege, when it comes to suicide?
We don't tell soldiers who go into combat that they don't have the right to go and die for their country.
We don't tell cops they can't go into high risk situation knowing people have guns and they're likely as not to get shot if not killed.
We don't tell extreme risk takers they don't have the right to do what they want if the risk of death is real and sometimes higher than living.
We don't tell people they don't have the right to choose not to go through medical proceedures, undergo treatments or take drugs if they know the risk of dying by doing nothing is almost, if not, absolutely certain.
So why do we tell people they can't decide their live isn't in their hands if they choose to end their life?
I'm not an advocate of suicide, I didn't commit it when I chose to make it a choice, and had the chance twice in my life, but I'm not an opponent of it either. I don't think anyone has the right to demand someone can't take their life simply because they can demand it.
And they can't put guilt or shame on them about who else is affected or effected by their death or the impact of their death with their friends and in their community. That only adds to the feelings the person has about themself and of death, to push them farther away and closer to suicide.
That makes me mad to hear people talk about suicide as an idea, and madder after a family member or friend commited suicide and talk about their thoughts and feelings, their reaction, their hurt and pain. And never a mention of the person who died.
Where were they when the person was thinking and planning suicide? Often close by and often not paying attention to the signs from the person and misunderstanding or misinterpreting the person's words about their life.
In short, they missed everything to at least get them away from the immediate plan to commit suicide if not help them on the road away from suicide. You need to understand the way back is long and slow with a boatload of issues to resolve.
I think people who are contemplating suicide and more so people who have decided to go down that road need someone to talk to, but not someone to tell them they're wrong, they're not allowed to kill themself, and they're doing something against some principle, value or religious doctrine.
People thinking and even planning suicide do an avenue away from suicide, to find someone who listens and ask questions when the person wants them to talk or ask, but not judge and certainly not lecture. Someone to just be there when the person chooses to talk, but not push or demand anything.
The only thing a person has the right to ask them is to wait until tomorrow. Wait until tomorrow when they wake up and talk some more, if they want. But in the end, it's still their decision and their right, and as much as we hate that decision, we don't have the right to say they can't.
I'm not for anyone commiting suicide, but I also know there are times when people face extraordinary circumstances or situations in their life, and suicide is an option and even a choice. And that is their right and no one else's to say otherwise.
So why is that right not a right, not ever a privilege, when it comes to suicide?
We don't tell soldiers who go into combat that they don't have the right to go and die for their country.
We don't tell cops they can't go into high risk situation knowing people have guns and they're likely as not to get shot if not killed.
We don't tell extreme risk takers they don't have the right to do what they want if the risk of death is real and sometimes higher than living.
We don't tell people they don't have the right to choose not to go through medical proceedures, undergo treatments or take drugs if they know the risk of dying by doing nothing is almost, if not, absolutely certain.
So why do we tell people they can't decide their live isn't in their hands if they choose to end their life?
I'm not an advocate of suicide, I didn't commit it when I chose to make it a choice, and had the chance twice in my life, but I'm not an opponent of it either. I don't think anyone has the right to demand someone can't take their life simply because they can demand it.
And they can't put guilt or shame on them about who else is affected or effected by their death or the impact of their death with their friends and in their community. That only adds to the feelings the person has about themself and of death, to push them farther away and closer to suicide.
That makes me mad to hear people talk about suicide as an idea, and madder after a family member or friend commited suicide and talk about their thoughts and feelings, their reaction, their hurt and pain. And never a mention of the person who died.
Where were they when the person was thinking and planning suicide? Often close by and often not paying attention to the signs from the person and misunderstanding or misinterpreting the person's words about their life.
In short, they missed everything to at least get them away from the immediate plan to commit suicide if not help them on the road away from suicide. You need to understand the way back is long and slow with a boatload of issues to resolve.
I think people who are contemplating suicide and more so people who have decided to go down that road need someone to talk to, but not someone to tell them they're wrong, they're not allowed to kill themself, and they're doing something against some principle, value or religious doctrine.
People thinking and even planning suicide do an avenue away from suicide, to find someone who listens and ask questions when the person wants them to talk or ask, but not judge and certainly not lecture. Someone to just be there when the person chooses to talk, but not push or demand anything.
The only thing a person has the right to ask them is to wait until tomorrow. Wait until tomorrow when they wake up and talk some more, if they want. But in the end, it's still their decision and their right, and as much as we hate that decision, we don't have the right to say they can't.
I'm not for anyone commiting suicide, but I also know there are times when people face extraordinary circumstances or situations in their life, and suicide is an option and even a choice. And that is their right and no one else's to say otherwise.
Monday, February 18, 2013
When
When your life plan collapses into a heap of reality, when all the hope and dreams implode into a pile of dust in your mind, and when all the ideas you had for your life with and after the plan dissolve on the floor of your thoughts, what do you do then?
When your body betrays you from age and genes and robs you of your plan to be fit and healthy with and after your life plan, and all the effort to get healthy don't work and all the work to be fit won't get you back to where you were, what do you do then?
When your mind becomes tired from the weight of all the lost hopes and dreams, the failed attempts to keep going with your work, and the only words which come to mind are, "I don't care. Not anymore.", what do you do then?
When getting up in the morning offers little if any hope of a good day and only going to bed at night feels good, forgetting every minute of the day because you couldn't remember it anyway, and knowing sleep is the one thing you value most, what do you do then?
What do you do and how long do you wait for an answer from yourself?
When your body betrays you from age and genes and robs you of your plan to be fit and healthy with and after your life plan, and all the effort to get healthy don't work and all the work to be fit won't get you back to where you were, what do you do then?
When your mind becomes tired from the weight of all the lost hopes and dreams, the failed attempts to keep going with your work, and the only words which come to mind are, "I don't care. Not anymore.", what do you do then?
When getting up in the morning offers little if any hope of a good day and only going to bed at night feels good, forgetting every minute of the day because you couldn't remember it anyway, and knowing sleep is the one thing you value most, what do you do then?
What do you do and how long do you wait for an answer from yourself?
Friday, February 15, 2013
The Grand Plan
We all have grand plans for our life. These plans evolve over our life, some get trashed, some remade or reborn anew, and some arise from our experience as we go through life. It's just part of living and part of why we individually believe we and our effort is important in life and the world.
We know that many grand plans don't survive and we keep focused on those that do survive and define our life and work, and define ourself to ourself. It is why we get up in the morning, why we go through the day, and why, at the end of the day, feel better about ourself.
Then there are times when we lose ourself and all the grand plans don't matter because we lose the passion, motivation and inspiration for the grand plan we most love and believe is important to us and our life and work. It simply disappears.
And try as we can and must, we can't find it. The only question we have then is, "What do I do now?", and we can't find an answer, for weeks, even months. You may have had similar thoughts and feelings before, but they faded as you found new hope for the grand plan, but this time that hasn't happened.
Some folks will tell you it's a sign to find something new, but you know that's just what people say, "Go find something else which interests you.", and you know it's not true, both what they say, because it's just an empty, mindless thought or question, and what you know.
You don't want to do or find something new. You love what you were doing, only the passion disappeared. It's what you wanted to show the world, what you wanted people to know who you are, and what you know defines you.
You know that but you still can't find what happened to the passion. You have ideas why, but ideas and why doesn't change anything, not even your thinking, the proverbial, "Yes, I know.", answer we give ourself without realizing what we know let alone we know anything is actually truthful.
And the question remains and continues to haunt us, "What do I do now?"
We know that many grand plans don't survive and we keep focused on those that do survive and define our life and work, and define ourself to ourself. It is why we get up in the morning, why we go through the day, and why, at the end of the day, feel better about ourself.
Then there are times when we lose ourself and all the grand plans don't matter because we lose the passion, motivation and inspiration for the grand plan we most love and believe is important to us and our life and work. It simply disappears.
And try as we can and must, we can't find it. The only question we have then is, "What do I do now?", and we can't find an answer, for weeks, even months. You may have had similar thoughts and feelings before, but they faded as you found new hope for the grand plan, but this time that hasn't happened.
Some folks will tell you it's a sign to find something new, but you know that's just what people say, "Go find something else which interests you.", and you know it's not true, both what they say, because it's just an empty, mindless thought or question, and what you know.
You don't want to do or find something new. You love what you were doing, only the passion disappeared. It's what you wanted to show the world, what you wanted people to know who you are, and what you know defines you.
You know that but you still can't find what happened to the passion. You have ideas why, but ideas and why doesn't change anything, not even your thinking, the proverbial, "Yes, I know.", answer we give ourself without realizing what we know let alone we know anything is actually truthful.
And the question remains and continues to haunt us, "What do I do now?"
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Last Moment
I was lying in bed the other night when the thought occurred to me that when we die we may not even know we die, we only know the last moment before we die and that's only if we're awake. Otherwise, if we're sleeping or in some other state, unconscious, etc., we wouldn't even know we've died.
I've read some of the "near-death" experiences people report being medically dead but coming back to life. They all reported a white light consuming their mind and thinking, like it was some sort of revelation from God or whomever.
I think it's not that but simply evolution's way of protecting us from the pain of death. Death is painful as the body stops and everything dies. It's seems to me a reasonable adaptation that evolution gave the human mind an escape from the pain.
So in the end there is no pain, just white noise and then nothing. And all we know is the moment before we die.
I've read some of the "near-death" experiences people report being medically dead but coming back to life. They all reported a white light consuming their mind and thinking, like it was some sort of revelation from God or whomever.
I think it's not that but simply evolution's way of protecting us from the pain of death. Death is painful as the body stops and everything dies. It's seems to me a reasonable adaptation that evolution gave the human mind an escape from the pain.
So in the end there is no pain, just white noise and then nothing. And all we know is the moment before we die.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Dreams of Emptiness
Recently I finished the routine monthly work on my Mt. Rainier NP for February, not only ahead of schedule, usually saved for the last week of the month before, but before the first of the month in over a year, always posting it late in the first week or two of the new month.
I then set to finish some edits of seasonal Web pages before planning to work on the last of those for winter and look to write the spring seasonal Web pages, but that's for another time in the future. Then suddenly my mind went blank.
I've had problems since the Siatic nerve issues last July, the infection last September, the realization of the digestive issue was from drugs I was taking for another issue where I had to choose between them but not both, which killed a lifelong plan.
That left me mentally drained of almost all my motivation, inspiration and discipline to do anything. And then after last week's work I started having dreams of emptiness. Dreams of rooms in a house, blank of anything discernable on the walls or ceiling and devoid of anything in the room.
Just emptiness, and try as I could in my dreams I couldn't add anything, nothing, not even a plot let alone objects or people. Just empty, blank rooms. I'm not sure where it relates but the walking, now up to 5-6 miles 4-5 times a week is leaving me exhausted every day, and eating is becoming a chore.
I've discovered the farther I walk and the more days I walk, the less I eat, even the days I don't walk, I eat far less than I used to eat on non-walking days. I know my body is adjusting to the walking as the leg muscles fight over their weakness from the pinched nerves to get fit.
I'm not walking as far or carrying as much as I did a year ago when I easily walked 6 miles with 20-25 pounds of groceries (including 1 or 2 half gallons of milk), and discovered 6 miles seems to be the physical limit the legs will walk as farther just leaves the muscles too tired to do much for the rest of the day.
But it's the dreams that are bothering me as they're occuring successive nights since last week. My mind during the day just seems blank of much thought and memories to put into dreams, or something else is happening that I don't know and won't know until the dreams change.
Until the emptiness ends. So I wait.
I then set to finish some edits of seasonal Web pages before planning to work on the last of those for winter and look to write the spring seasonal Web pages, but that's for another time in the future. Then suddenly my mind went blank.
I've had problems since the Siatic nerve issues last July, the infection last September, the realization of the digestive issue was from drugs I was taking for another issue where I had to choose between them but not both, which killed a lifelong plan.
That left me mentally drained of almost all my motivation, inspiration and discipline to do anything. And then after last week's work I started having dreams of emptiness. Dreams of rooms in a house, blank of anything discernable on the walls or ceiling and devoid of anything in the room.
Just emptiness, and try as I could in my dreams I couldn't add anything, nothing, not even a plot let alone objects or people. Just empty, blank rooms. I'm not sure where it relates but the walking, now up to 5-6 miles 4-5 times a week is leaving me exhausted every day, and eating is becoming a chore.
I've discovered the farther I walk and the more days I walk, the less I eat, even the days I don't walk, I eat far less than I used to eat on non-walking days. I know my body is adjusting to the walking as the leg muscles fight over their weakness from the pinched nerves to get fit.
I'm not walking as far or carrying as much as I did a year ago when I easily walked 6 miles with 20-25 pounds of groceries (including 1 or 2 half gallons of milk), and discovered 6 miles seems to be the physical limit the legs will walk as farther just leaves the muscles too tired to do much for the rest of the day.
But it's the dreams that are bothering me as they're occuring successive nights since last week. My mind during the day just seems blank of much thought and memories to put into dreams, or something else is happening that I don't know and won't know until the dreams change.
Until the emptiness ends. So I wait.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Smarter than Therapists
An article released in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) found 55% of people, mostly young people, successfully attempted or commited suicide after or while in therapy, noting therapy isn't the answer to preventing suicide.
Like any teenager, young person or any older person seriously depressed or seriously thinking of suicide couldn't have told them, their therapists and especially their parents, that?
Their findings are a statement of the obvious, therapy won't work and therapists don't get it. They don't realize with all their education, knowledge, experience and understanding they can't change people thinking of or determined to attempt or commit suicide.
My nephew fooled a number of therapists, his parents (my sister and brother-in-law) and friends before he took his life when the family went on a weekend trip and left him alone in the home, only to discover his body when they returned home.
No knew? Really? I won't argue or say anyone was wrong, they weren't. They tried and tried hard to help him. Sadly it wasn't enough. And sadly he learned to hide what he was really thinking and planning behind a wall of silence and pretend.
Pretending to be ok. And that's what everyone missed. The silence and the acting. I know this because I've been there, twice before not going through at the last minute the first time and more so the last time. As I tell people now, there won't be a third because I will succeed.
And all the therapy won't stop it. That's the reality and what therapists miss. People are smarter than therapist and will only speak about what they really and truly think and feel if they want, otherwise, therapists, parents, friends, will get either silence of okspeak, ie., "I'm ok."
And it doesn't take a study to tell anyone that, just human understanding. What don't they get about that?
Like any teenager, young person or any older person seriously depressed or seriously thinking of suicide couldn't have told them, their therapists and especially their parents, that?
Their findings are a statement of the obvious, therapy won't work and therapists don't get it. They don't realize with all their education, knowledge, experience and understanding they can't change people thinking of or determined to attempt or commit suicide.
My nephew fooled a number of therapists, his parents (my sister and brother-in-law) and friends before he took his life when the family went on a weekend trip and left him alone in the home, only to discover his body when they returned home.
No knew? Really? I won't argue or say anyone was wrong, they weren't. They tried and tried hard to help him. Sadly it wasn't enough. And sadly he learned to hide what he was really thinking and planning behind a wall of silence and pretend.
Pretending to be ok. And that's what everyone missed. The silence and the acting. I know this because I've been there, twice before not going through at the last minute the first time and more so the last time. As I tell people now, there won't be a third because I will succeed.
And all the therapy won't stop it. That's the reality and what therapists miss. People are smarter than therapist and will only speak about what they really and truly think and feel if they want, otherwise, therapists, parents, friends, will get either silence of okspeak, ie., "I'm ok."
And it doesn't take a study to tell anyone that, just human understanding. What don't they get about that?
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